Category Archives: Humor

Is There Even A Polite Way To Casually Hook Up With Someone?

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AGoodHook-Up_zpsf2c52e75Hookup culture is ruining our lives, right? It’s hurting women! It’s hurting men too! We’re all doomed to awkwardly take cabs home without washing our faces at 6:30 in the morning instead of getting married!

The thing about hookup culture is that it’s not for everyone, but many people won’t know whether or not it’s for them without trying. Sure, you may completely know what’s for you one way or the other, and that’s great! But maybe you’re one of those people who was incredibly nervous to have sex for the first time and then did and can now jump from lay to lay with no strings attached. Maybe you were ready to be that person only to find that strings keep attaching themselves, or that no strings makes you feel sad. Maybe you used to be one way and are now another, and maybe that’s good or maybe you regret some things. There’s no shame in any of this.

If you find yourself in a position where no-strings sex (or anything sexual) is something you enjoy, or want to experiment with, there are a few things to keep in mind.

If You Leave

I’ve never encountered anyone who felt offended at a hookup leaving after the encounter, unless they were convinced it was more than a hookup (more on that later). If you’ve gone home with someone and want to leave, thank them for their time and say you have to get going. You can leave your number if you wan’t, or just say you had a “fun time” and leave it at that. However, do consider the logistics of leaving: if it’s late and you’re far away from where you live without easily being able to call a cab or get public transportation, it might be best to wait until the morning.

If it’s your place and you don’t want the person to leave, say so, but respect their answer. Also, if it’s late, I’d suggest not kicking your hookup out. If you leave the bar at 2am to go back to your place, you should be ready for that person to be there until it’s daylight.

If You Spend The Night

Maybe you’ll be so tired that you just pass out and won’t notice you’ve slept over until your roommate calls you at 9am to see where the hell you are (ed: if it’s very unusual for you to stay out all night, maybe give your roommate a heads up so they don’t worry that you are dead. YMMV). This is ideal (sorta)! If you’re still awake but if it’s late, ask if it’s ok for you to spend the night (and as stated above, your hookup host should comply). Maybe you can ask if your hookup has a preferred side of the bed, or a tshirt you could borrow if you feel comfortable asking, but it’s not necessary.

How the morning goes depends on a few factors. If this is a friend or mutual friend you’ve gone home with, it may feel perfectly natural to hang out or grab breakfast before leaving. If it’s a total stranger, this may not feel right. Also, consider your hookup’s plans for the day. If they have work or some other engagement they need to get ready for, thank them for the night and leave (or thank them and let them leave). If they’re hungover and you have nothing going on, get them some water and let them chill for a while.

However, no matter how hungover you are, if you are asked to leave you need to leave. I once had a hookup that refused to leave my dorm room after I asked three times and explained how I needed to move that day, and he kept saying how hungover he was and it was too much effort. He lived two blocks away. I even went to the cafeteria and said he needed to be gone by the time I came back and he was STILL THERE. Do not be this person.

Sneaking Out

I hope you never feel the need to sneak out of anywhere! Seriously, if you’re going to leave, just leave. If your hookup is asleep, maybe nudge them awake and go “Hey, I gotta run, it was nice meeting/seeing/fucking you, later” and that’s all you need. If you do go home with someone and think you’ll need to sneak out later, make note of easy egress routes as you enter.

Supplies

First off, safe sex always. You should never be ashamed to be equipped with a condom, or anything else you need. We should be long past the days where the thought of “expecting” sex is a bad thing. Being prepared is great, even if you never think you’re going to hook up with someone!

There are other things you may like to have on your person if you think a hookup is imminent. Perhaps you want to have a toothbrush, or your contact lens solution, or a spare pair of underwear. This is actually great for any night out; I’ve spent many a night on a friend’s couch where I wish I had some clean underwear with me. Don’t let anyone make you feel awkward for having things like this. Unless maybe you’ve brought the entire next day’s wardrobe with you on an “unexpected” encounter, because that’s just creepy.

If You Develop Feelings

As I said before, there are levels of hookup, from total stranger to friend-you-started-making-out-with, from one night stand to ongoing thing. Ideally, any more-than-once hookup will be someone who you get along with, and with whom you clearly have some connection because most of the time fun sex happens when you actually get along with the other person. But the general definition of a hookup is that this is not a relationship, and unless explicitly stated, will not become a relationship. Do Not Hook Up With Someone Expecting It To Turn Into Something Else. Many of us have been there—you keep going home with the same person, you get along, you start wondering if something could happen, and then are heartbroken when they don’t want a relationship, even though they’ve never expressed that desire.

The heartbroken in these situations tend to blame their hookups for “leading them on,” and we need to get away from that. Yes, there are people out there who enjoy toying with emotions, promising one thing and delivering another, and they are the worst and you should stop sleeping with them. But developing feelings for someone doesn’t mean it’s mutual, and no one is obligated to be in a relationship, even if you get along and have great sex.

It can be terrifying to find yourself developing feelings for a hookup, but for your own heart’s sake, speak up if this happens. Tell your hookup you’re having a hard time keeping it casual. Maybe they’ll feel the same way, or maybe they’ll really want to keep it casual, at which point it would be best to stop the hooking up.

(Yes, there are hookups that have turned into relationships, and if that happens to you and you’re both into it, cool. Just do not start hooking up with someone you have a crush on thinking “this is how I make them love me” because that will more than likely end terribly.)

If You Want To Keep Feelings From Developing

On the flip side, if you want to keep things strictly casual it is best to be mindful of how you act. Do not act like you’re in a relationship and be surprised if the other person thinks you’ve developed deeper feelings! Keep it to just hooking up: no cuddly movie nights, dinners out, or anything that could be generally considered dating.

This may take some maneuvering if you get the feeling your hookup is developing feelings. If the person suggests getting dinner, don’t pretend “yeah that would be great, give me a call on Wednesday” and then ignore their calls and texts. You can say you’re busy, though if your hookup keeps pushing for a plan, respond that you think it’s best if you kept things casual and that you’re not looking to date, and be prepared for any answer you get. If you find yourself in a regular thing (say, 5 or 6 times or more in a couple of months) and aren’t feeling it anymore, while you don’t “owe” anyone a breakup, it would be kind to just say it isn’t working for you anymore instead of, again, just ignoring their calls until they give up.

In general, ongoing hookups require communication–possibly more communication than traditional relationships. Do your best to ensure your intentions are clear, especially if they change over time, and then go out and have fun.

Leprechaun and Other Wee Folk Etiquette

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Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Or lá fhéile Pádraig sona dhaoibh if you speak Gaelic, which I do not.

When you think of St. Patrick’s Day, you often think of how crazy it was that your kindergarten teacher made you create leprechaun traps out of construction paper that magically had chocolate coins in them the next morning. In Ireland, they traditional take leprechauns and the other wee folk a bit more seriously.

If you are walking along and hear a gentle tapping, there might just be a leprechaun nearby cobbling some shoes. It is perfectly approved by etiquette to try to catch a leprechaun if you can, but once you catch him, there are three important things to remember:

  1. Always look a leprechaun in the eye, it is polite and it forces him to tell you the truth about where his gold is.
  2. Never take your eyes off of him: leprechauns are extremely fast and if you look away for one second, he will escape.
  3. Don’t be too greedy: if you catch a leprechaun, you can ask for a pot of gold, but just the one.

If you live in a place where there are elves and fairies and such, it is polite to leave some bread and milk outside for them each night.

It is also impolite to build your house on a fairy path- if you do, your whole family will get sick.

For real though, it’s not okay to pinch someone, even if they DO forget to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day. The holiday is no excuse for being drunk and obnoxious in public either, so cut it out and have a happy and safe day!

Victoria Pratt was a competitive Irish dancer back in the day and will dance a reel for you if you ask nicely.

How To Be Near Celebrities (Or, Don’t Grab Zac Efron’s Bicep in a Bar)

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DON'T PANIC

DON’T PANIC [Via]

Celebrity is something that sounds very complicated. On one hand, if you make it to the point of being a celebrity, you likely have lots of money. On the other, that comes at a significant cost to your privacy. On a third, you probably already knew that privacy was something you’d have to give up a bit to achieve celebrity. On a fourth, who among us could even conceive of what that sort of lifestyle would feel like until we got there, at which point it’d be too late to back out? It’s tricky, and I do feel a great sympathy for them, even though they can dry their tears on their millions.

This is all to say that New Yorkers are historically fantastic about dealing with celebrities. Not that we don’t have our invasive moments, or gush about “celebrity sightings” when they’re over, but in general the rule is to treat a celebrity like you would any other person on the street/in a restaurant/at the grocery store. Don’t stare, don’t start talking about them, don’t yell “oh my god you’re Lucy Liu!” when they’re walking down the street.

If you’re a huge fan, you may be inclined to ask for an autograph or a photo. This is one of those things that seemingly comes with the territory of being a celebrity, but this is when common sense really needs to go into overdrive. Is the person in question at lunch or generally engaged with something or someone else? Then, like anyone else, they would probably rather not be bothered. If Helen Hunt is casually browsing books at a bookstore perhaps you can go up to her and say you’re a fan, but you should not if you see her in a restaurant eating with her family. Bill Murray always seems game though.

However, there is a catch to the “just treat celebrities like normal people” thing, which is if you are a total weirdo around people it might come off bad around celebrities. Here’s an example: A few years ago my fiance and I were at a fancy, “speakeasy”-style cocktail bar, and both on our third or fourth drinks (which were very strong), when who should walk in and sit down next to us but Zac Efron. He was there with another guy, and was wearing this tight thermal shirt, and I was never attracted to Zac Efron and had never seen High School Musical but holy hell was this man attractive. Just, arms. I was totally star struck, but also determined to keep my cool and not act like he was any different than any other insanely hot person sitting next to me. So I keep chatting with my fiance, when I hear Zac Efron order a drink I had. I whip around and say (let’s be honest, I probably yell) “Oh my god, I LOVE that drink” as I reach over and grab his bicep for friendly emphasis. Like you’d do to maybe any other normal person if you’re feeling flirtatious and casual but should not do to a really famous person! From what I remember, he was very gracious about the whole thing, saying he always gets that drink when he goes to that bar, and asking if we’d ever been before, and us wishing each other good nights as we turned back to our partners.

So, you know, don’t do that.

For Goodness Sake Stop Eating Your Pizza With A Fork

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Victoria and I both live in New York City, which has recently elected a new Mayor, Bill de Blasio. Though he hails from Boston, he has made his life in Brooklyn for the past many years, and as such credited with the beloved title “New Yorker.”

Until this happened.

What you see here is an image of our new mayor eating pizza with a fork. New York-style pizza. Pizza that comes in a slice, perfectly shaped for picking up and eating.

I will stress that eating pizza with your hands is specific to certain forms of pizza. Chicago deep dish would obviously be a disaster if you tried to pick it up, as would many Sicilian slices, and some that are far too thin and wobbly. But your average New York slice is engineered such that you can hold it by the crust, fold it in half a bit, and eat it with one hand. We’ve addressed this before. So why, may I ask, would someone use a knife and fork?

The answer, I believe, lies in the idea of affectation, the awkward and forced imitation of manners when one doesn’t know what to do. This involves things like sticking your pinky out when drinking tea. One person justified using a knife and fork because it is “civilized,” perhaps not realizing that refusing to eat something the way it was intended to be eaten is not “civilized,” but just makes you look weird.

Lest I be considered one of those arrogant New Yorkers who cannot understand why someone would choose to do something a different way than I was taught (disclaimer: I am), I have come across a few other reasonable explanations for why cutlery may be used with pizza. As a few have pointed out, if you don’t like getting your hands messy, it is a cleaner way to eat. That’s fine! I mean, you can (and should) wash your hands before and after, but whatever, to each her own. Perhaps you just had dental surgery, or are a small child, or your pizza arrived unsliced and this is the only way to really get at it. These are all fine. But when a food so clearly suggests the way it should be eaten, for goodness sake, follow suit.

Feel free to argue about oil blotting in the comments.

UPDATE: The new mayor MAY OR MAY NOT have eaten pizza with his hands. We may never know if this was staged or not, but that doesn’t make any of the above any less true.

Things Not To Do Ever, According To This Lady

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This woman does not like it when you hum in her company

This woman does not like it when you hum in her company

As we’ve mentioned before, the Victorian era was the height of the etiquette boom, and all it takes is a quick look on Google Books to see just how many people fancied themselves experts and got book deals (hint hint, anyone in the position to give us a book deal). One such book I came across was Woman in Her Various Relations: Containing Practical Rules for American Females by Mrs. L.G. Abell, which she introduces by saying “the allotments and responsibilities of Woman, in her own appropriate sphere, should be brought before the mind in their true weight and importance.” Whatever that means.

There are chapters on parlor care and the duty of benevolence, New Year’s Calls and a chapter specifically for young girls. But the one that caught my eye was entitled “Things To Be Avoided By All Persons.” It is every rant I’ve ever wanted to give. So here you go, a list of things to never do ever no matter who you are.

Loose and harsh speaking; making noises in eating and drinking; leaning awkwardly when sitting; starting up suddenly and going unceremoniously out of a room; standing in the way when there is scarcely room to pass; going before any one looking at a picture or sitting at the fire; taking possession of another’s seat when you know they are to return soon; intruding opinions when you know they will give offense; leaving acquaintances in the street or leaving a room abruptly and without taking leave; whispering in company; making remarks on the dress of those about you; using slang expressions; or a habit of saying “says he” “you know” etc.; helping yourself at meals without first asking others to be helped; scratching or touching your head; paring or cleaning your nails before company; spitting, picking the nose, or looking at your handkerchief after blowing it; standing or sitting with your back to the fire, when others would enjoy the warmth; alluding to subjects that would give pain to those you address; neglecting to answer letters; leaning the chair against the wall or furniture; spitting on the carpet or floor; drumming with the feet or fingers; whistling or humming tunes; reading papers, letters, and books in company; looking over another’s shoulder when reading or writing; talking lightly of serious matters; jesting when none take pleasure in mirth; sitting with the hat on in the house; touching any part of the person not usually exposed; rocking eagerly; showing yourself glad at other’s misfortune; being disrespectful in language or motion; continuing conversation when others come in without an explanation of the subject; showing marked attentions to some more than others unless they are strangers; neglecting to call on friends that have sent their card informing you they are in town; not informing your friends who have entertained you of your safe arrival home, and thanking them for kindnesses received; using deceit; making expense without benefit to yourself or others; being disturbed about trifles or accidents, common or unavoidable.

“Jesting when none take pleasure in mirth” you guys I’m dying. Why did she even write a book? This is the only list you ever need.