Category Archives: How To

How to Be a Considerate Roommate

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When you are sharing a space like this you are going to need manners. [Via Flickr user byrion]

Roommates! We’re all going to have roommates at some point, whether it’s because we’re college freshmen, we’re poor and need to split the rent, or we just can’t imagine spending a second away from our BFFs. However, your BFF is gonna peace out and leave you with all the rent and all the dishes if you are a crappy roommate. So here are some tips to follow.

 

  • Try to discuss chores in an adult manner without getting passive aggressive or defensive. For some people, having a chart helps. For others, one person needs to take the lead and remind everyone when chores need to be done and who needs to do them. Try to establish something early on.

  • Respect the other’s space and privacy.

  • It’s not required, but it is pretty considerate to let your roommate know if you won’t be home overnight or are going away for a weekend so they don’t worry. It’s also a safety measure- if you get kidnapped or murdered, you will want someone to call the police!

  • After cooking, try to leave the kitchen the way you found it.

  • Try not to monopolize spaces, or if you do, try to make sure your roommate feels welcome. If you cook every night, offer to share dinner with your roommate (though don’t let yourself become the de-facto chef!). If you watch TV a lot, make sure your roommate also gets a say in what’s on.

  • Respect your roommate’s moods- don’t jabber at them first thing if they need coffee to wake up. On the flip side, a quick good morning or hello when you walk in the door before taking an hour to decompress will do wonders for making your roommate feel like you don’t hate them.

  • If you are a homebody, try to get out sometimes so your roommate can have the place to themselves.

  • Make sure you aren’t taking up more than your share of fridge and pantry space. Part of this can be accomplished by agreeing on certain foods that can be shared. You shouldn’t need to have two of everything when you guys can probably split the same carton of milk or bag of flour.

  • Don’t eat your roommate’s food, and ask before borrowing things. On the flip side, establish what’s personal and what’s shared. You don’t want to flip out at your roommate for playing your records when she thought they were fair game for anyone who felt like listening to music.

  • If you have a significant other, make sure they aren’t spending EVERY night and weekend at your apartment unless they are chipping in!

  • Try to discuss things in a civilized manner without getting passive aggressive or mean.

  • Just clean the toilet already, jeez.

  • And don’t hog the bathroom.

 

Unfortunately, even if you follow all these rules, sometimes you will just have a shitty roommate. So let’s all commiserate and share our shitty roommate stories. Here are ours:

 

Jaya: Of course mine was my freshman year roommate from college, who thought that because she went to boarding school and technically had enough credits to count as a Junior when she was 18 that she was incredibly mature and knew all there was to being a roommate. She made a lot of rude assumptions (“You’re an only child, so I know you’ll have a hard time sharing…”), but then proceeded to break every rule she set, such as leaving mugs filled with sunflower seed shells all over the room for me to knock over, kicking me out of the room for a weekend so her boyfriend could stay over, blasting her music when I was studying and then insisting I leave the room while she was studying, and not letting me use the fridge because it was “her” fridge even though c’mon we’re freshmen and I just want a place to store my leftover mozzarella sticks. Oh and she would spend long times guilting me whenever I came home drunk, even though I was 18 and we went to school in New Orleans. And then she’d go out and get wasted and come home at 4am just scream-laughing and waking everyone up.

 

Victoria: I’ve been pretty lucky in having mostly good roommates, aside from the expected frustrations over chores and sharing the bathroom. I did have one roommate who spent most of her time on the phone with her long distance boyfriend, but that was more just…weird than anything. Another roommate had been on the track team until she was injured and then spent the rest of the semester skipping class to watch TV and thus being in our tiny dorm room at ALL TIMES. She also liked to study in the room all night with the light on (pro tip: sleeping masks are absolutely amazing) instead of going to the library like a normal person. OH! And one roommate let her boyfriend’s friend from home crash in our room during his Spring Break, leading to an EXTREMELY drunk guy crashing through my door in the wee hours and scaring me to death.

 

How To Be A Decent Person At A Wedding

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Just make sure you look like this [Via Perez Hilton]

Just make sure you look like this [Via Perez Hilton]

The big day is finally here! You’ve sent in your RSVP, you’ve selected and sent a gift, you know what to wear, and now it’s time to see your dear friend(s)/family/strange coworker tie the knot! But what happens at a wedding and how do you know what to do?

The Ceremony

  • Show up around 15-20 minutes before the time stated on the invitation. The time on the invitation is generally the time the bride intends to walk down the aisle and you do NOT want to be skittering into the ceremony behind the bride. If you do end up late, wait until the bride is all the way at the end of the aisle and then quietly take a seat in the back.

  • If you are staying at the “official” hotel with a provided shuttle, make sure you know when and where it is picking up so you are on time!

  • Traditionally friends and family of the bride sit on the left and friends and family of the groom sit on the right. If there are two brides or two grooms, these sides may be labeled. If you are close with both,  you sit where there are less people. However, almost no one is going to care if you forget, and many couples may explicitly state that you sit wherever you want.

  • Everyone seems to stand when the bride walks down the aisle, so go with the crowd. Either the officiant should tell everyone to sit, or people should just sit when they start talking, but this doesn’t always happen. There’s not much you can do about it, but I hope if you get stuck standing that the ceremony is pretty short!

  • Obviously turn your cellphone off.

  • Many couples are starting to request that people not take pictures during the ceremony. If they haven’t specifically asked you not to, you still can, but you might consider just enjoying the moment! These days many couples post their official pictures online for people to see later and they are going to be MUCH nicer than an Instagram shot of the bride with everyone’s head in the way. Plus, no couple wants to look out at their guests and see a sea of iPhones.

  • If the ceremony is religious or has unfamiliar elements, hopefully there will be an explanation of anything you might be asked to do or not do. Otherwise, just sit back and watch.

The Reception

  • After the ceremony, there might be a variety of things happening. There might be photos, everyone might head straight into the reception, you might have to go to another location for the reception, etc.

  • When you get to the reception there might be a receiving line (there probably won’t be a receiving line), in which case, you need to stand in line and wait your turn to congratulate the couple, and greet their parents before going into the reception.

  • When you get to the reception, there might be a cocktail hour, there might be a sit down dinner, there might be assigned seats, there might be assigned tables, just go with the crowd when figuring out what to do.

  • I think cash bars are extremely poor hosting (we will get to this later), but they do happen, so keep some emergency cash on you, just in case.

  • There might be a box for cards, so put it there if you brought one.

  • In the olden days, you were supposed to stay until the bride and groom left, but since couples are more likely to stay until the bitter end now, the cake cutting has become the signal of the end of “official” activities and you can properly leave any time after that.

  • There is some debate on whether or not you must say goodbye to the couple before you leave. I say, say goodbye if you can, but don’t worry too much if you can’t find them or they are deep in conversation or dancing.

  • Many etiquette sites will tell you not to get drunk at wedding. I’m not going to say that, but you should take into consideration if you are a good or bad drunk or are likely to get sick or cause problems.

How to Take a Compliment

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Pretty much

Pretty much

Is anyone actually comfortable taking a compliment? You’re probably not. For this post, we decided to both weigh in. As you may be able to tell, Victoria is much better at it than Jaya. But let’s talk. How do you take a compliment?

Victoria’s View:

Just say thanks, it’s that easy!

But seriously, it is. If you try to deny it or explain it too much, it’s just going to turn into this big awkward thing. Besides, own your awesomeness! You are great and deserve to be told so. I do think if you say “thanks, I got it at ___________” or “thanks, it was my grandmother’s” that’s totally fine and can sometimes be a nice conversation starter.

Jaya’s View:

IT’S NOT THAT EASY OMG. It’s all fine and easy when someone compliments you on an article of clothing. Duh, you can’t take credit for soldering that bracelet or creating the pattern for those pants (but if you did you should totally take credit because clearly you’re the most talented person alive). But what happens when someone compliments you…on you? Most of the time when someone calls me pretty, or says I did a good job writing an article, or says I’m smart I curl up into a ball and start making strange grunting noises until they stop. I’m not kidding. Ask Victoria. I could even feel my face twisting up just writing that sentence, as if admitting that someone has complimented me on being pretty means I think I’m pretty and that means I’m really vain and oh god it’s happening again.

I think a lot of this anxiety comes from the fact that when most people learn “don’t brag,” it bleeds into “don’t admit any good qualities about yourself ever.” Which is a shame because it is so freeing to admit to yourself that you’re good at something. On my more enlightened days, I know I’m pretty and I’m strong and I’m a half-decent writer. This doesn’t mean I think being pretty is important, or that my writing will change the world, just that I like things about myself. And with lots of work, when someone has said “You look nice” or “I liked that article,” I’ve been able to say thanks without any apologies or conditions. Just remember, no one will think you’re a monster for saying “thank you.”

 

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How To Address Just About Anyone

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Obama approves of using Ms. [Flickr user QueenofSpainErin]

Forms of address are complicated and fraught with peril because incorrect use can be seen as disrespectful. It’s a good thing that we have evolved from just Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Smith, but without one standard form, it gets a bit tricky. Women are insisting on not being defined by their marital status. Men are taking women’s names. There are same-sex couples to think about. Utter madness. Won’t someone please think of the great-grandmas stuck in their ways?

The rule of thumb is that if you know what someone prefers to be called, then call them that! (Shortcut: If they sent you a letter, see how they put their name on the return address. Boom. Easy.)  If you don’t know, then you can follow the basics:

A single person:

  • Professional titles like Dr. trump any of these (noble titles too, but c’mon you don’t know Sir Paul McCartney or Prince Harry anyway)

  • Mr. Horace Banks

  • Miss Flora Norwood (only for the VERY young- under 18)

  • Ms. Maude Fredericks (married or unmarried)

  • Mrs. Myrtle Hotchkiss (only if you are pretty sure they prefer Mrs.)

  • Mrs. Clarence Jacobs (only if you are CERTAIN they prefer it or if they are very old)

Interestingly in the case of a divorce, a woman shouldn’t use Mrs. Clarence Jacobs at all, though she can still use Mrs. Patricia Jacobs if she retains her married name. If she returns to her maiden name, then she shouldn’t use Mrs. Patricia Rogers, she should go back to Ms. Patricia Rogers. A widow is traditionally addressed with the same title she used when she was married, unless you know she prefers something else.

Juniors, Seconds, and Thirds:

If a man is named after his father, he uses the suffix junior, which is written out as: Edmund Jones, Jr. Ansel Whittleby II is a man that is named after an uncle or a grandfather. Thirds and fourths come after that. FUN FACT: the nicknames Trip and Trey are traditionally used for someone who is a third and Skip is used for someone named after a grandfather because the name “skips” a generation.

Couples and Groups:

A lot of this comes down to formality and preference. The more formal your correspondence, the more formal you should go. Note that in a heterosexual couple, the male title and name traditionally comes first, but either way is correct.

  • Mr. and Mrs. Seamus Finnegan (the most formal address for a heterosexual married couple. Many modern women object to the use of just the man’s name and so this is best used if you are sure that it is the preference. You should not use Ms. with this form- Mr. and Ms. Seamus Finnegan because the old fashioned use of the man’s name doesn’t really jive with the more modern Ms.)

  • Mr. and Mrs. Blanc (an alternate with no first names)

  • Mr. Taran Edwards and Ms. Beatrice Edwards (this is used if you wish to use both first names. Many people will write Mr. Taran and Ms. Beatrice Edwards, but this is less preferable because then it looks like you are addressing the first person as just Mr. Taran, which just looks a bit weird)

  • Mr. Patrick O’Malley and Ms. Bridget Sullivan/ Ms. Jennifer Cooper and Ms. Becky James (for an unmarried couple, a married couple where the woman kept her own name, gay/lesbian couples, roommates, etc. You should try to get both names on the same line, but it’s okay if it doesn’t fit and you have to put them on separate lines. For more formal events, roommates should get separate invitations, though most people aren’t too put off by being included together.)

  • Dr. Camilla Banks and Mr. Peter Partridge (a title like Dr. always outranks the Mr./Ms./Mrs. and the names should be separate, though if you are using the very old fashioned form: Dr. and Mrs. Peter Partridge is correct but Mr. and Dr. Peter Partridge isn’t. Two doctors with the same last name are addressed as The Doctors Partridge.)

  • Henry and Henrietta Henderson/ Jasmine Sultan and Rebecca Bainbridge (the same as above but more casual)

  • The Jones/The Jones Family (this is pretty casual but still useful if you don’t know the preferred title or want to invite the whole family)

Things We Don’t Have To Do Anymore:

Unwed mothers having to go by Mrs. Maidenname to avoid scrutiny. Because heavens to Betsy, what would the neighbors think?

How To Give A Wedding Gift

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Always an option

Screw Pete, Chip ‘n’ Dips are great

So you’ve been invited to a wedding! It’s so exciting to be attending your first wedding as a real grown up person. If you’ve only attended family weddings with your parents, you’ve probably just been signing your name to whatever they’ve selected (which is fine! Keep doing this for random family weddings! Forever!). But now you are on your own. Here are a few pointers:

Do I have to give a gift?

Contrary to popular belief, wedding gifts are not obligatory. However, if you aren’t happy enough about a wedding to be moved to send a gift, you probably shouldn’t be attending! Your friends and family love you though, and if you are too poor to travel to the wedding AND give a gift, I’m sure they would prefer your presence rather than a present.

When and where do I send a gift?

You can send a wedding gift almost any time! You can send it as soon as you receive an invitation or up to a year afterwards! I would recommend sending it around 1-3 months before the wedding, though if you have a particular thing you want to get off their registry, you should swoop in ASAP before it gets taken! I say send, because generally you are going to want to ship the gift to the couple ahead of time, not bring it to the wedding. This may vary regionally, so consult with other guests about what they are doing if you can. Cards can be brought to the wedding because they are small. Traditionally, gifts are sent to the bride’s home, but with everyone shacking up these days, you can send it straight to the couple’s home, unless instructed otherwise.

Do I have to have the gift wrapped?

No, lots of people send gifts unwrapped, in fact some couples prefer it for environmental reasons. I like gift wrapping personally, and will spring for it (Bed, Bath, and Beyond has the prettiest gift wrap, in my opinion!) However, regardless of whether you send a gift or drop it off at the couple’s home, make sure you include a card with both your first and last name so they will know who it is from!

What’s a good gift and how much should I spend?

A good gift can be anything you think the couple will like! You can buy things off their registry or you can think up something all on your own! Housewares are traditional, but don’t feel confined by that if you have something else in mind. Money is okay too. Some people say it is crass, or something, but hey, everyone likes it, and in some regions it’s preferred! As for how much you spend, that is also up to you. “Covering your plate” is nonsense. Some people budget for weddings according to how close they are to the couple, some people spend a certain amount for any wedding, and some people just go with what’s in their budget at the time.If you can’t attend a wedding, you are not obligated to send a gift, especially if you aren’t close to the couple, but a nice card would be a great gesture.

Also feel free to chip in on a group gift with other friends. Just make sure everyone agrees upfront how much they can afford to chip in.

How do I know what they want?

Most couples will post their registries on their websites. TheKnot.com also compiles wedding registry information from most popular stores like Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Macy’s and you can search for the names of any engaged couple you know! This is a good place to check if the couple doesn’t have a website. It’s also perfectly fine to ask the bride and groom, a close friend of the couple, or their parents.

I went to their house and didn’t see the gift I gave them. Do they hate me?

First of all, couples get a TON of wedding presents, it’s possible they just haven’t put it out yet or have to store some things until they move to a bigger place. Also, even with a registry, people get duplicate gifts and might have to return one. Or maybe they realized they don’t NEED a pasta maker after all because they can barely boil water. Either way, once a gift is given, it is up to the receiver to do whatever they want with it. I’m sure they truly appreciated your happy thoughts and your gift.