Category Archives: How To

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Do That Anymore: Finger Bowls

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Dessert place setting- the finger bowl is on the white doily to the left. [via Wikimedia Commons]

Finger bowls are one of those mainstays of snooty etiquette examples, with people focusing on this one obscure bit of etiquette as a reason it is outdated and unnecessary. Obviously, our whole point with this website is to show how etiquette is still useful and necessary. But it is also fun to talk about things like finger bowls!

So what is a finger bowl? It is essentially a little bowl of water that you dip your fingers in to clean them at the dinner table.

Some reference books claim they have been used on and off from medieval times until now, but I can barely find any references to them in etiquette books before 1900. So I believe finger bowls as we imagine them must have been a late Victorian/Gilded Age invention.

Finger bowls are always served with the dessert course. In fact, as the change of plates and silverware for the dessert course is brought out, the finger bowl is actual on top of a doily on top of the dessert plate. The diner then removes the finger bowl from the plate and places it (and the doily!) to the front and slightly left of the place setting. However, if there is no silverware on the plate with the finger bowl, it signals that there is no dessert and then the finger bowl is left on the plate.

To use the finger bowl, you gently dip the very tips of your fingers into the water and then dry them off with your napkin. You may also dab a bit of the water onto your lips with your fingers and then pat dry with the napkin. You are not really supposed to be washing your hands, merely giving a polite impression of cleanliness.

A more serious, soapy bowl of water may be given after eating messy foods such as lobster. Of course, nowadays we have those handy packets of wet wipes that rib joints pass out- not quite as elegant but definitely more practical.

Of course my favorite finger bowl story is the one where the impolite rube is at a fancy society dinner and drinks the contents of the bowl. His hostess (often said to be Queen Victoria) promptly drinks her finger bowl water also, so that he doesn’t feel that he has done something wrong. A perfect example of the spirit in which etiquette exists: to make everyone feel comfortable.

Interestingly, despite the fact that no one actually uses finger bowls anymore, every contemporary book of dining etiquette mentions how to use them. I’ve eaten at a lot of fancy places and have never seen them. If you have, please tell me where in the comments!

How Do You Cut The Cheese (Every Pun Intended)

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Oh boy, cheese etiquette. This is something near and dear to my heart. Last year for Christmas my fiance got me a beautiful bracelet and a $25 gift certificate to a fancy cheese store and I was 10 times more excited about the cheese. Actually, when I first met my fiance at summer camp, it was taco night and I asked him to go back up to the fixins bar and get me a cup of shredded cheddar cheese. And he did. And then I was violently ill but that’s love right?

Now mostly, I’d say screw cheese etiquette because 90% of the time I enjoy cheese like this:

However, if you’re at a party, snuggies and/or personal cheese knives may be discouraged, and there are a few rules to follow to make sure everyone enjoys the cheese plate equally.

1. Don’t scoop out the cheese from the rind. Oh my god, if you’re one of those finicky people who can’t stand the rind of the creamy, soft cheese it covers then you have no place in my life. And if you’re one of those people who uses a cracker to scoop out brie from its rind, leaving nothing but the shell for everyone else, I’m saying right here that your host has my full permission to publicly call you out and never invite you back. Take a full slice, rind and all, and just eat out the center from the privacy of your plate if you must.

2. Don’t mix knives. This is pretty standard for most foods, but especially for cheese, because as Bonjour Paris puts it “Cheese is alive and flavors of neighboring cheeses are easily absorbed.” THE CHEESE IS ALIVE, EVERYONE!

3. Cut the cheese based on its natural shape. This means if it’s a wheel, cut it in a wedge like a pie. If it’s square, cut off even square slices. If it’s a wedge, cut along the sides so the wedge shape is preserved. In countries where cheese eating is more prevalent, children are taught to cut the first wedge out of a wheel at about the width of a pencil. This is adorable.

4. In France, where cheese is serious business, you should not cut the point off a wedge of cheese (see the point above). They even have a name for when you do it: “breaking the nose.”

How Do You Eat French Onion Soup?

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Do you know how hungry you get searching for pictures of French onion soup? via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

How does one eat French Onion Soup (I mean the real stuff with bread soaking inside and a thick layer of ooey gooey stringy cheese on top) without looking like an ill-mannered heathen?

Cheers,

Soupless in Seattle

Official Etiquette:

Peggy Posts suggests using a knife to cut the cheese against the side of the bowl and then using the knife and spoon to get all the bits onto the spoon and into your mouth.

Our Take:

Victoria:  So soup!

Jaya:  Soup! I love soup!

Victoria: Me too and I especially love French onion soup, so I looked it up and Peggy Post suggest using a knife and a spoon to eat it, so you can cut the cheese as you go. Personally, I think a spoon is sufficient and you just twirl the cheese like spaghetti

Jaya:  That seems…complicated. The knife thing.

Victoria:  Yeah

Jaya:  Knives do not belong in soup. I like using the spoon to cut the cheese against the side.

Victoria:  Yep. It would be cool if there were special french onion soup spoons where they were kind of pointy.

Jaya:  Also some foods I think people need to accept will never be polite.

Victoria: Haha yeah, I mean its sort of hearty peasanty food, so does it really belong somewhere where you can’t have some cheese trailing from your mouth to your spoon?

Jaya:  Exactly! Do not serve complicated foods and get mean when people are sloppy with them (looking at you, any host who serves corn on the cob).

Victoria:  Hahah, I will serve you French onion soup sometime and you can be as messy as you wish. Also, I was surprised that there was so much French onion soup available in Paris- I had it in Paris for Thanksgiving one year (I’m trying to tie this into Thanksgiving since it is coming up).

Jaya:  Ooooooh that sounds delicious.

Victoria:  Also etiquette related, French onion soup is one of those things that has special bowls- like can you make it without the proper bowl? With the handle thingy? I mean, I do, but I think it tastes better with the special bowl.

Jaya:  Oh yeah, at least with a stone crock like that. You can use ramekins too.

Victoria:  I just use my normal bowls.

Victoria: I’m getting you French onion soup bowls for your wedding, I just decided.

Jaya:  I will gladly accept those.

A Vague Guide To Maybe Hitting On Someone

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when-you-try-to-flirt-with-someoneI’ve attempted to write a How To Hit On Someone post for a while now, and man, it is impossible. I now fully understand why the only options out there are either the dangerous “physically pull a woman into your lap and make her push you away” or the vague “say hi, see if you have anything in common, and then move on if there’s no spark.” It’s because any middle ground is so personal and circumstantial. Some people like having drinks bought for them, others consider it an insult. Some people enjoy being approached, while others prefer to do the approaching. There’s almost no way to write something for everyone. Which is a shame, because neither “SEX IS A CONQUEST” nor “I don’t know, do what you want?” is helpful for anyone.

So, knowing that I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences or tastes, I want to relate some times where I have been approached by a stranger in a bar, at a concert, or in another public setting  and how it worked out, since when you’re single the general idea is that you’re supposed to meet people in public settings. Many of these were in the successful range, others were not. Take from this what you will.

Do ask what I’m reading: Once I was at a bar alone, reading a book, waiting for my boyfriend. A guy came up to me and asked what I was reading, and at that particular moment I was feeling conversational, so I started talking to him. Within 15 minutes I was drinking beer with him and all his friends at his table. If he was sincerely hitting on me it didn’t work out because, duh, my boyfriend showed up, but all in all I think we had a pretty good time.

Don’t neg me about my race: If you’re not familiar with negging, it’s the process of insulting/ignoring the person you want to woo in the hopes that they will be confused enough to sleep with you. Yeah, I don’t get it either. But once a guy outside a bar kept saying out loud to his friends while pointing at me “She’s so hot, I don’t care if she’s hispanic.” 1. I’m not hispanic 2. It doesn’t even matter what race I am because holy shit what are you talking about?? I was drunk enough to get pulled into a conversation (argument) with him, in which later he insulted my friends’ intelligence and looks (“They’re not smart like you”), and was then baffled when I wouldn’t go home with him.

Do find common interests: When I was 22 I found myself in a weird bar in New Zealand (I mean, on purpose, I did not wake up on my 22nd birthday unable to remember how I got to this country), and everyone was dancing to really clubby music and it just wasn’t my scene. A guy apparently noticed this, and began talking to me about how it wasn’t his scene either. We got some drinks, sat in a booth in the back and talked for a really long time, and then made out for an even longer time. Common interests doesn’t have to be boring!

Don’t be surprised that we have common interests: I once was with a guy who basically sent flirting into overdrive once he discovered that I could quote The Blues Brothers and agreed that the best Guinness I ever had was in Ireland. The night went well, but in hindsight I find it sort of disturbing that his reaction was less “wow, I love that thing too!” and more “you’re so cool because most girls don’t like that thing!” Lots of people like lots of different things. Girls like video games, guys like fashion, gay men like football…etc. It’s a great moment of luck if you find out someone shares your tastes, but it shouldn’t be surprising because of their sex.

Do be honest if you’re attracted to something: If you find something attractive about someone, tell them! This can be physical, like telling them they have a nice smile or you like their hair. The whole point if this dating thing is that you’re supposed to find something attractive in the other person, so that’s nice to know! In early-on flirting situations I’ve had guys compliment some aspect of my body, and it’s usually felt pretty nice. If I’m starting to become basely, lustily attracted to someone, it’s nice to know it’s mutual.

Don’t focus entirely on the sexual: If you think this person has beautiful eyes, great, but for the love of god do not make that the entire thing about them. Feeling lusted after is nice, feeling like everything you’ve been saying for the past hour has been ignored because your partner cannot ignore their attraction is another.

Unfortunately, there is an infuriating key to this, that I cannot describe any other way than don’t do any of this as anyone other than yourself. I know, the “be yourself” advice is so frustrating to hear, because duh you’ve been yourself, how you can you be anyone but yourself, but “yourself” isn’t working. But yourself will work, I promise. Being yourself isn’t about being every aspect of yourself all at once from the get go, it’s about doing things in a way that feels natural to you while still being able to test the waters with someone new. So go forth and talk to people you find attractive! It’s ok, I promise!

Have you’ve ever been successfully wooed by a stranger? Let us know how it went!

Let’s Eat These Foods With Our Fingers Like Monsters

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We have a little etiquette secret for you. We know that your parents probably spent your entire childhood trying to get you to use a knife and fork properly, and to not just pick up food with your hands and mash it into your face like you’re a baby. But did you know there are foods you’re actually encouraged to eat with your fingers? Behold, the wonders of dining etiquette!

Anything served on a toothpick: This is pretty obvious, because what, you’re gonna pick the whole thing up with a fork and then get the toothpick in your mouth? No. Usually this is stuff like cheese cubes, olives, crudite, etc. Go ahead and use your hands.

Asparagus: Eating it with your fingers only applies if they are spears of asparagus and do not have sauce on them. In general, where there’s sauce, there are eating utensils.

Sushi: Usually Americans like to show off their chopstick skills at sushi restaurants, but sushi is really meant to be eaten with your hands. This is because many believe the delicate fish picks up the flavors of anything it touches, so metal cutlery is a big no-no.

Artichokes: I’d like to see anyone try to eat artichoke leaves with a fork. You’re supposed to rip each leaf off, dip in butter or any accompanying sauce, and then put it in your mouth and scrape the meat off with your top teeth. Charming.

Bacon: To eat bacon with your fingers, it must be crisp! If it’s soggy and limp, use a knife and fork. (ED: if it’s soggy and limp send it back to the kitchen to be cooked properly, yuck!)

Corn: Ok, so there is a way to eat corn on the cob with a knife and a fork, by sort of tilting the cob up on one end and scraping the kernels off but good lord that sounds like a recipe for sending your corn flying into the lap of the person next to you, and possibly taking out some fine china with it.  If you’re a host and you serve corn on the cob you best believe your guests should eat it with their fingers. Otherwise you’re just trying to torture them.

Pizza: Someone suggested that if pizza is heavy with toppings you are allowed to use your fork, but that just means you’re a quitter.

Tiny birds like quail, and frog’s legs: These can be picked up in the fingers, though you must avoid the appearance of gnawing.

Dinner Rolls: As we keep saying, these are broken apart with the fingers and each section is buttered individually and then eaten with the fingers.

Indian food: Lots of Indian food, especially of Northern cuisines, is served with bread, which you should use as your utensil by ripping of pieces and picking up food with it, like a little sandwich! Just make sure to use your right hand, because your left hand is reserved for…something else.