Category Archives: How To

Being Flaky

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There seems to be an alarming trend among “millenials” (I myself am technically a millenial…) of sort of…glorifying flakiness?

And I get it, I really do. We often tend to over schedule ourselves and, often, we really do want to do all the things we commit ourselves to. And it’s totally a relief when you’ve got something after work every day on week, that something gets cancelled.  And I’ve definitely had plans where the other person calls and is like, “heeeeeeey, do you maybe want to cancel?” and I’m like, “yes, omg, I love you but this week is so busy.” But for the most part, flaking on plans is rude, rude, rude and it’s part of being a well mannered and adult person that when you make commitments and keep them, not to mention knowing your limits of how many social events you can manage in a given period of time. However, sometimes you must cancel and here’s how to do it without being a monster:

  • Give the other person an out. Say you are feeling kind of indifferent to getting off the couch, but you know once you get there, it will probably be fun. So call the person to gauge their mood, say something like, “I am still in if you are, but how are you still feeling about seeing that movie tonight?” And perhaps they will be just as happy as you to cancel. If they aren’t, you should still go.
  • Give as much notice as possible. Especially in NYC, you have to let them know at LEAST an hour beforehand because any closer than that and they are probably already on their way to meet you.
  • Don’t cancel on someone who is cooking for you or hosting you at their house in any kind of “formal” way. When I host a dinner party I get the groceries at least 3-4 days in advance, do major cleaning a day or so before, and often start cooking 1-2 days before. So someone cancelling, especially on short notice can create a whole lot of wasted money and time. The importance of not cancelling becomes smaller the more people who were originally invited- if it’s a party for 10, it’s not as big deal if you don’t go, if it’s just you, it is.
  • Be very apologetic and offer up an alternate. Say you have to cancel on drinks plans- call and say how sorry you are and then immediately reschedule that person to get coffee sometime in the near future. Do your best to make a firm plan so that person knows that you genuinely want to see them.
  • Don’t flake twice in a row, and really try to avoid flaking on the same people often. My mom used to tell me in regards to invitations that if you keep turning invitations down, people will eventually stop inviting you. The same goes for flaking; do it too often, and you won’t be getting the opportunity to do it as much.
  • Don’t use flaking as a tool to get out of seeing people you don’t like. Be genuine and only make plans with people you truly want to see and only do things that you are interested in doing. Don’t be afraid to decline invitations, declining is far better than cancelling.
  • Don’t ever cancel on something when someone has fronted you the money to attend (i.e. your friend bought popular movie tickets in advance because the theater has assigned seating). If you must, then you need to pay back the money if they can’t find someone else to take the ticket.
  • Don’t lie about it.
  • Don’t cancel on someone to hang out with someone else (unless it’s a major emergency). Needing to rest and recharge is a thing we all understand, but cancelling to hang out with someone else is sending a clear message that the first person isn’t important and that’s a terrible way to treat someone.
  • Don’t make conflicting plans with the idea that you will decide which you want to do at the last minute. That is garbage behavior.

How To Throw A Good Party

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The older I get, the more I’m surprised at the number of people who have made it to adulthood without knowing how to throw a half-decent party. Because yes, you can send the invitations and buy the beer, but that doesn’t mean people will end up enjoying themselves. It’s almost Christmas, so you may be in the midst of setting up your very own party right now! Here are some of our tips on how to throw one that people will be excited to attend.

1. BE CHILL: In our post on how to be a good host, we mention the importance of being gracious. You never want to make your guests feel like their presence is a burden for you (especially if you’re the one who invited them!). The way you execute this will be different depending on the type of party you’re hosting. If you’re hosting a dinner party, find dishes you can make ahead or order out one or two things so you’re not spending all your time stressed in the kitchen. If it’s a potluck, make sure you’re not getting 12 potato dishes, but let your friends make what they want to make. Most people have a better time if it’s a little more free-flowing.

2. Music: Have you ever been to a fun party where there is no music playing? If you have, please comment and tell us how this was accomplished, because in my opinion nothing kills a party faster than when there’s a lull in the conversation and you’re left with absolute silence. If you’re having a party where people are dancing obviously music is important, but don’t discount it as filler noise when people are just getting into conversations. And unless you trust all the guests’ music tastes, make sure there’s one person in charge. Otherwise that one person whose idea of a good time is Papa Roach B-sides WILL be taking over your iPod.

3. Activities: If you want to have specific activities like watching a movie or playing board games, definitely include that in the invitation. Springing things like that on a group is definitely a “know your audience” thing. Some people will be totally down for an impromptu game of charades, others will just see it as forced fun, and an interruption to the perfectly fine time they were having before.

4. Food and Drink: Again, the availability here will depend on what kind of party you’re having, but plan on having at least something for everyone, whether it’s a cheese plate and some wine or a keg and order-out pizza. Unfortunately, this is where I see most hosts stressing themselves out, either trying to provide every single option or haranguing their guests to show up with something. Remember, most guests will show up with something without you reminding them! I can’t remember the last time I hosted a party where most of my guests didn’t offer to bring food, alcohol or something else before I even got the chance to ask for it.

How to Have a Holly Jolly Holiday Season

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If all else fails, watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians because it is on Netflix and it is amazing.

The holiday season can be fraught with etiquette perils. You mostly already know how to deal with your family and all the assorted drama. But how do you handle a whole month of holiday parties with their own different rules?

White Elephant Exchange:

I think White Elephant exchanges are the most fun type of Christmas present giving exercise, followed closely by it’s cousin, the White Elephant where you bring nice stuff (is there are a real term for this?).  The premise is that you find something in your home that is pretty new, maybe it’s something someone else bought you as a gift that you do not want, and you bring it (wrapped) to the party. Then all the gifts go in the middle and the guests take turns selecting a gift and opening it. The fun part is that instead of opening a new gift, a guest can “steal” one of the already opened gifts. Some people put a limit on how many times a gift can be stolen before it is “dead” and must be kept by the last person to steal it. If one person’s gift is stolen, they can choose to open one of the wrapped gifts or steal someone else’s gift.

This type of party is best for groups that don’t know each other well.

Etiquette Pitfalls:

  • Decide on the rules ahead of time as everyone plays slightly differently.
  • Be sure whether the party will be a true White Elephant with silly, useless types of gifts or the “nice” kind where people bring real gifts.
  • If it is a “nice” White Elephant party, be sure to set a price limit so the gifts are roughly the same.
  • If it is a true White Elephant, make an effort to bring something fun, “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure” types of things rather than true junk. [Ed note: Unless it’s a “Spite Elephant” party, in which case bring the most ridiculously awful thing you can find]
  • Try to avoid getting too competitive about stealing gifts, this is supposed to be fun.

Secret Santa:

The Secret Santa is a more refined gift exchange, in which you are assigned a person to get a gift for ahead of time. This is a nice way of doing gifts because everyone gets something personalized that they will probably like, but you only have to buy a gift for one person.

Etiquette Pitfalls:

  • If you sign up to do a Secret Santa make sure you follow through! If you are exchanging gifts in a group and you don’t show up, it will muck the whole thing up. Even if it isn’t a group exchange, if you don’t buy a gift that means that your person doesn’t get one and that is terrible. Don’t be a Secret Santa flake.
  • If you are the host, again, make sure to set a price limit, so everyone knows they are spending about the same amount.
  • Part of the beauty of doing a Secret Santa is getting a personalized gift, so put some effort into it and don’t wimp out with a gift card (unless they are really into that!)

Cookie Exchange:

A cookie exchange is a party in which everyone brings one type of cookie and brings enough that they can give, say, a dozen of those cookies to each party guest. That way, each person brings, say, 6 dozen of one type of cookie but brings home 6 dozen of six different types of cookies. This way, you can have a wide variety of cookies to eat during the holiday season but only have to bake once. A big time saver if you are really into cookies.

  • I wouldn’t say it’s RUDE to participate if you are bad at baking, but you might want to seriously evaluate your skills and perhaps bring very nice store bought cookies rather than burnt ones.
  • Don’t be stingy with your recipes, the holidays are all about sharing!
  • Make sure you follow the rules about how many cookies to bring so there are enough to go around.
  • If you are the host, be sure to inquire about any allergies and pass the information around.
  • If you are gluten-free, perhaps a cookie exchange is not the party for you (but maybe it is and your friends don’t mind gluten free cookies, we don’t judge!)
  • Try to make something a little out of the ordinary so the party doesn’t end up with all chocolate chip cookies (if you are the host, you should do your best to communicate with your guests about what they want to bring to facilitate variety- or ask everyone to send a recipe ahead of time).
  • Bring something to carry all your cookies home in!

Office Party:

Jaya just wrote a killer piece in The Guardian about office holiday parties, so you should go read that first. I’ll wait.

Etiquette Pitfalls:

  • Everyone says it, but getting drunk (unless your work culture is all about getting drunk- life’s a rich tapestry, etc etc) is a pretty big no-no most places.
  • Not going- sure office parties are, (usually) technically, optional but unless you have a REALLY good reason, you should suck it up and go because as much as we don’t like it, these types of things are noticed and contribute to the perception of your team spirit which can come into play when it comes time for promotions, etc.
  • If you are in charge of organizing the party, really think about what the people you work with are the most likely to enjoy. Some offices are big party goers, others will appreciate a dinner at a fancy restaurant more.

Gifts for Everyone:

Presumably you know what to do when it comes to getting gifts for close friends and family. But what do you do when you have to get gifts for other people?

  • A secret santa you don’t know too well- ask around and try to find something they will really enjoy.
  • Your brand new significant other- if you’ve been dating less than, say, three months, you should probably skip it or do something simple. At least talk about it! (You should also talk about it with longer term partners- you don’t want to be the one giving diamond earrings when they are getting you a new scarf. It’s uncomfortable for both parties [again unless that’s just how you guys roll!]).
  • Someone who gave you something out of the blue- you don’t necessarily have to reciprocate. Sometimes its nice to just give without expecting anything in return. But some very classy people have “backup” presents- a box of generic but nice gifts that can be given in just that kind of situation.
  • Your boss- you DON’T. Gift giving should always flow down power structures. Giving a gift to your boss can look like a bribe/sucking up. You can usually get away with little tokens, or especially home baked treats. Group gifts for bosses are usually against etiquette as well, but honestly, in some small offices, it can work because everyone truly wants to do something nice (and really only if that boss is also handing bonuses and/or gifts down.)

Etiquette at Museums

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Perhaps a bit intimidating.[Via Wikimedia Commons]

I have a master’s degree in Museum Studies (which is obviously a super useful thing to have a master’s degree in!) so this subject is near and dear to my heart.

One of the things we talked a lot about in my classes was how to make museums more accessible and less intimidating to members of the community who might not be historic museum goers. Part of the reason people find museums intimidating is that there is a belief that there are a ton of rules that you might not know about. That’s not really true. The only real rule is to never touch the art/exhibits unless you are specifically encouraged to touch them. Everything else is more to avoid annoying everyone else:

  • Don’t touch the art. Like I said, this is the big rule. You might not think you are doing any harm, and true, ONE touch isn’t going to do that much. But if everyone disobeys this rule, then you have hundreds or thousands or millions of touches and that all adds up. And oils on your fingers are bad for art even if you think your hands are clean. Besides, many artworks and artifacts are very fragile and you might badly damage them without meaning to.
  • Be quiet, but not totally silent. Museums aren’t libraries and you can definitely talk. Just generally try to keep it on the low side in quieter museums like art and history museums. More kid-oriented spaces like science centers, natural history museums, or especially children’s museums are going to be noisier.
  • Be mindful about taking photos. A lot of museums do allow photos and some are even encouraging people to take photos and use them to engage on social media. But often, especially in travelling exhibitions, photos aren’t allowed. Sometimes this is because flash is detrimental to the materials on display, but often it’s because of copyright restrictions.
  • Don’t hog the art. If you are in a gallery alone, by all means take your time. But if you are in one of those incredibly crowded special exhibitions, take a really good look and then move on. Try not to block the exhibition text either.
  • Don’t eat or drink in exhibition galleries. Many museums have wonderful cafes where you can have a snack in safety.
  • Don’t run. You might bump into the art or other people. Yes, I know it was cool in that one movie.
  • Sketching. Sketching is permitted by many museums, within certain guidelines. Make sure you find out what they allow before you go.
  • Turn off your cellphone. Keep it on vibrate or silent and step out into a hallway or atrium (or a quiet corner?) if you must take a call.

Telephone Etiquette

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Via [Wikimedia Commons]

Telephone etiquette has changed rapidly in the last two decades with the advent of cell phones. When I was a kid, I remember I wasn’t allowed to call friends after something like 9 or 10pm, and my parents got really mad if anyone called during “dinnertime.”

I was never specifically taught good telephone manners, I think, my house was pretty relaxed about it- we answered the phone with “hello” and I don’t recall ever asking “may I ask who is calling” or anything like that. But for the most part, I don’t think people really expect that. Though those kind of extra good manners do help out sometimes.

I have a great etiquette book from the 1950s called Etiquette for Young Moderns that lays out telephone manners as:

  1. Being conscious of your voice and tone.
  2. Answer in a brisk, cheerful manner.
  3. Identify yourself as soon as you pick up the receiver.
  4. Always ask who is calling if the person doesn’t identify themselves
  5. Give your complete attention to the phone call, don’t have side conversations with people in the room.
  6. Treat wrong numbers politely
  7. Make sure you dial the correct number.
  8. Plan the timing of your calls so you don’t interrupt meals.
  9. If the person who you are calling isn’t home, leave at least your name so they don’t have to wonder who called.
  10. If you can’t hear the person, state that to them so they can adjust their voice.

A lot of these rules are still actually pretty good! Even for cell phones!

I think some key things for telephone etiquette today are:

  1. Being conscious of where you are- don’t talk on your phone while a cashier is ringing you up. Especially don’t talk in quiet places like a house of worship, library, theater, or movie theater. And don’t text in most of those places either.
  2. Don’t speak loudly in public, no one wants to hear your conversation (and it has been proven that listening to a one sided conversation is more distracting than listening to two people talk in your presence.)
  3. Speak clearly.
  4. If you are picking up a call from say, a company where you are interviewing for a job or your doctor’s, identify yourself when you pick up the phone: “This is Theodore” so that they know right away they have the right person.
  5. Keep it on silent or vibrate when you are with others.
  6. Put it away when dining with others or in meetings and other times when you are with other people. Be focused on the people you are with.