Category Archives: Advice

How Not To Act When You Get Bad Service

Posted on by

3

2461047942_149c645f19

It’s not worth it [Via Flickr]

Here’s the situation: A few weeks ago, Jaya was dining at an airport in North Carolina, waiting for her plane home. A man and a woman sat down two tables over, and ordered drinks and burgers. When the food comes out, the guy notices there is no cheese on his burger (he ordered a cheeseburger) and asked the waitress to bring him a slice of cheese. She did, but he complained that the cheese looked like it had come off another burger. She explained the chef had warmed it up so it would be a bit melty, but he refused to eat it. Meanwhile, he ate his entire burger, drank two beers, and then left the restaurant to get a Snickers bar, which he ate at his table. This, he explained to the table in between us, was because he was “worried any dessert here would come out half-eaten.” When the waitress came to see if they needed anything else, he said “just don’t charge me and we’ll be fine.” All the while he was badmouthing the waitress to people at nearby tables.
Jaya: Basically, I feel like yeah the waitress messed up and wasn’t the most attentive, but this guy was worse.
Victoria: I think for a food order that is wrong, often a restaurant will comp just that order even if you ate it. But definitely not the whole bill. I don’t think you can even really ask for your meal to be comped—the restaurant has to offer it.
Jaya: There have definitely been times where someone messed up my order and offered to comp—but that was maybe when I was brought entirely the wrong thing, or it was really slow.
Victoria: Right. Here, they tried to fix the problem. And I think, if they are trying to fix the problem, and it’s not to your satisfaction, you need to ask for a manager, because they can deal with it much better. The worst is when you are annoyed with the service or your meal comes out wrong and you never say anything, you just don’t leave a tip. Come on! SAY something and get it resolved.
Jaya: Yes! I hate that. Most of the time these things are honest mistakes, and can be resolved quickly. After my brief stint as a waitress, I’d always rather people let me know what was wrong. Sometimes it was a busy night and I forgot to put in an order! Or put it in wrong! But telling me or a manager first means we can expedite something to you, instead of you remaining miserable.
Victoria: Right!
Jaya: Also I thought with this guy that the bringing in outside food was extra-rude. Yes, service wasn’t great, but you don’t have to do that.
Victoria: Yes, and actually a lot of restaurants don’t allow it because it is a “health hazard” and can get them in trouble.
Jaya: And if it was really that bad, don’t order that second beer, pay your bill and just leave. It just bothered me so much. It took this unfortunate, but by no means uncommon or devastating, situation and just made it worse for everyone.
Victoria: Seriously, get some perspective, rude person.
Jaya: Like, ok, you didn’t get cheese on your burger. You’re at an airport, not date night. Just eat and get on your damn plane.
Victoria: Hahah yeah, and it’s not like they put cheese on it when you specifically said you are allergic and will die if cheese gets near you.
Jaya: Exactly! It was also interesting with this guy, that he didn’t send it back and ask for a cheeseburger, which would have been reasonable. He asked for a slice of cheese to put on the burger and I think asked for them to warm it up, so then was just mad that they did what he asked? Like, if they just brought him a slice of cheese as their solution, that would be weird, but that’s what he asked for.
Victoria: Yeah, that is insane. Or if he hadn’t bitten it yet, they could maybe take it back, put the patty back on the grill with some cheese and it would be fine.
Jaya: It was just his general attitude that bothered me. He kept talking to the people at the table in between us about how ridiculous service was, and joking about his snickers bar, etc., and it just wasn’t, for lack of a better term, classy.
Victoria: Always be classy. I think complaints should be made quietly and without fuss. Just like, this is my problem, what can we do to correct it.
Jaya: Yes, absolutely. and you don’t need to show attitude unless the waitstaff shows it first. But his waitress was clearly trying, so there’s no need to badmouth her to other people or bring in outside food.
Victoria: Right, it the staff gets snotty and rude, its a bit more understandable, but you still should take the high ground.

Help! My Bride Wants Me To Participate In Cultural Appropriation!

Posted on by

2

cultural-appropriation-in-France

Ok seriously what is up with this Orangina? [Via]

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, which I’m really excited to do. However, she wants all of us to wear kimonos. She loves a lot of Japanese culture and spent some time there, but neither she nor the groom have any Japanese heritage, and to me this sort of feels like cultural appropriation. How do I deal with this, given that I’ve already agreed to be her bridesmaid?

Best,

Hopefully Staying Respectful

OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE

The Emily Post Institute lists the top responsibility of a wedding attendant as “pay for their wedding attire and accessories,” though they say nothing of who gets the choose said attire. The general protocol is that it’s the bride’s choice, though a polite bride should always take her attendant’s opinions into account.

OUR TAKE

Victoria: Maybe we should first explain what cultural appropriation is and why it’s bad.

Jaya: Yes. But that is so difficult! For a lot of people I think there is a huge grey area between enthusiastic cultural exchange and one-sided cultural appropriation, which is where these issues happen. To this bride, I’m sure this is a way to honor her love of Japanese culture. But to others, it may come off as unfair appropriation.

Victoria: True.

Jaya: To me, it involves this idea of someone in a more privileged position utilizing an element of a marginalized culture without experiencing or understanding that marginalization. This is a good post on it, and I like this quote in particular: “It’s a matter of telling people that they don’t wear things in a vacuum and there are many social and historical implications to treating marginalized cultures like costumes.” Here’s another good conversation about it. This is not to say there can’t be any cultural exchange, just that if you’re doing it, you have to work for it, not just use it however you want because it “looks cool.” What that “work” looks like will depend on a number of variables, but it has to be there.

Victoria: Right, a big part of this is using important cultural symbols as “decoration.” For instance, I think it would be fine if the bride were Japanese and asked her non-Japanese bridesmaids, or guests, to wear traditional Japanese clothing. Because in that instance she is asking people to share her culture with her.

Jaya: Definitely. I’ve been to weddings like that, where one of the couple is of another culture than the majority of the guests, and asked everyone to dress up in that culture’s “traditional” clothing.

Victoria: So what do you do if the bride wants you to participate in this?

Jaya: I think she should first ask the bride why she’s doing this, and then maybe explain her reservations.

Victoria: Absolutely, and explaining is important. I feel like awareness of cultural appropriation is still, unfortunately, new. Some people need it spelled out for them.

Jaya: I think a lot of people really are convinced doing things like this are nice ways of being “colorblind” and “international,” not realizing that glosses over so many issues. I can see how it happens though. Maybe this bride spent a few years living in Japan, fell in love with a culture (as so often happens) and now feels this connection that she wants to incorporate, not seeing how it comes off.

Victoria: Yeah, it’s a nice thought, but no. The only way I can see an event like that working as “international” is if you invited guests to wear traditional clothing from their culture, if they wanted.

Jaya: That would be nice. But yeah, maybe HSR can suggest alternatives. Serving Japanese food is always a great option, or incorporating a reading from a Japanese writer or poet.

Victoria: Oooh totally! But if the bride is still being stubborn, I think you are well justified in bowing out as an attendant.

Jaya: Yes, this is bigger than the bride putting you in a dress you don’t like. If it goes against your belief system and makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it. Maybe it’ll shock the bride into realizing what she’s doing. Or maybe she’ll flip out and not want to be friends anymore.

Victoria: Yeah, that is for sure a risk you will be taking. But why would you want someone who is that insensitive as a friend anyway?

Jaya: Haha oh no! Man, the line is so thin though, especially with things like westerners connecting to traditinally non-western cultures or even religions. Though that is no longer etiquette. Unless socio-political interactions are etiquette. Which, sorta?

Victoria: Everything is etiquette to a certain extent.

Jaya: Ugh, just don’t treat another culture’s regular form of dress as a costume.

Victoria: That’s what this boils down to! Even if that culture is really important and meaningful to you, it is still likely just a costume to you. We should also mention that this applies for things like Halloween as well.

Jaya: Yess. Unless someone from that culture is asking you to wear it, maybe don’t do it. Like, I went to my Indian cousin’s wedding, so I wore a sari. But if you invited us over to your house for a party and asked us to dress like Native Americans for fun, I would not come to your house.

Victoria: Omg, I wouldn’t come to my house if I did that.

How Do I Keep People From Throwing Me Bridal Showers?

Posted on by

7

Leave YOUR advice for the bride in the comments. [Via Flickr user Ceng Design]

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

I am getting married soon, and this is completely a ridiculous problem, but I am being inundated with offers to throw pre-wedding parties and events. People want to give me bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and pre-wedding family get togethers. I’m very grateful of course, but I am not really interested in being the center of attention and I don’t really have time to attend all these different events. How can I turn them down politely and without hurting anyone’s feelings?

Sincerely,

Low key bride

Official Etiquette:

Strangely, Miss Manners has tons of advice for guests who want to get out of attending (and bringing gifts!) to a never ending string of pre-wedding parties, but she hasn’t covered advice for brides who don’t want to go to their own parties. Therefore, the default answer is to just be gracious and go, you monster! We kid of course, but this is sort of the problem with the trend of greedy brides- people just can’t fathom the idea that someone wouldn’t want to have a bridal shower or bachelorette party.

Our Take:

Jaya: Oof, this is really a problem! I was dealing with this a little myself, and I’m someone who gets burnt out on social interactions pretty easily, and gets anxious about being “on” and such. I know I’m lucky that so many people want to celebrate, but it can be overwhelming when you just want to throw one party and everyone insists on half a dozen parties to ring in that party!

Victoria: So how are you handling it?

Jaya: Trying to graciously turn things down, in a “oh you really don’t have to do that” way, with mixed results. Like, if I say to my friends “you know what, i’m just not feeling a shower” that’s fine. But there’s more of a scolding tone of “they’re just trying to be nice” when an adult does it. Haha, “adult.” I’m 27. But you know what I mean. What should I be doing?

Victoria: Yeah, that’s such a touchy situation, I don’t really know how you would handle that tactfully and without offending anyone.

Jaya:  Victoria you’re the one who gives me answers!!!! What am I supposed to do, try to politely communicate by myself?

Victoria: I mean, I think it’s less of an etiquette thing and more a family relations thing. I think etiquette strongly encourages going along with it unless theres a particularly good reason not to.

Jaya: Ahhh, and “I’m overwhelmed and want people to stop fussing over me” isn’t particularly good?

Victoria: Haha there’s the rub. You have to decide which hills you want to die on, and in a wedding, there are a whoooole lot of hills.

Jaya: And, like with many other words thrown around at weddings, a bride is often “selfish” when she doesn’t live up to what others expect she should be. I think it’s also hard because often times, at least for me, these requests are coming from people who don’t communicate with each other. People from my side want to throw things, people from his side want to throw things, and it all adds up.

Victoria:  Yeah, exactly. Although, multiple showers are fairly traditional for exactly that reason. But ugh also, showers, traditionally, should really only be for your closest friends and relatives.

Jaya: And I guess, if your goal is toning down pre-wedding events, multiple showers, however compromised, is not really a great end game.

Victoria: But then you also don’t want to end up with a shower with 50 guests. After thinking about this some more, the advice I would give is to just gushingly thank people for offering and then be like, “but really I am just so overwhelmed with the wedding and my regular life, I couldn’t possibly.” And then if you need to pull out the big ammo and say “there are so many people wanting to host parties, I couldn’t possibly attend them all, so I would prefer to not show preference to any of them.”

Jaya: That’s perfect. I mean, it’s the truth too, but somehow I always think that would sound ungrateful like “wahhh too many people want to throw parties for me and it’s giving me anxiety.”

Victoria: Hahah yeah. I mean, if you have some attendants or at least a maid of honor—someone is at least nominally in charge of coordinating all that stuff and can be the bad guy. So that’s an option for people who have attendants.

Jaya: And showers can be so intense and huge events these days, it’s bananas.

Victoria: Why don’t people understand anymore that showers are supposed to be small with tiny little gifts like wooden spoons? They would be so much less objectionable that way, for both brides and guests.

Should I Tip for Counter Service?

Posted on by

4

[Via Flickr User edenpictures]

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

Can you guys do a column (if you haven’t already) on tipping for counter service/food pickup?? I always feel awkward when paying with a credit card and it has a line for tips.

Sincerely,

Tipped Out

Official Etiquette:

The Emily Post Institute covers a wide range of tipping suggestions. For takeout, they say no obligation or perhaps 10% for a large order or curb delivery. Tip jars also have no obligation, though perhaps you might throw something in if you are a regular or get extra attention.

The Billfold has a charming post on tipping at food trucks which covers the gauntlet of the debate on counter service tipping.

Our Take:

Jaya:  I don’t always tip with counter service. Am I a bad person?

Victoria: Psh, no. I rarely tip for counter service. I feel like this is the kind of tipping situation where you only need to do it if people legitimately go above and beyond, like starting your coffee order when you walk in.

Jaya:  Yeah, if I pay in cash I’ll probably leave some change? if there’s a dime or two.

Victoria: But if someone is just slicing a bagel, throwing some cream cheese on it and handing it to you…. I don’t see it as much different than any other kind of retail service.

Jaya:   Definitely. Though what are the labor laws? It’s not like waiters where they are living off tips, right? At least in America.

Victoria:  Right, they get paid at least minimum wage. Now whether that is fair or right or not is a whole different issue. Btw, did you know that in some states, like CA, waiters must be paid minimum wage? They don’t get this whole “service wage” plus tips, but then they still get tips because everyone is used to tipping waiters.

Jaya: Oooooh, interesting.

Victoria:  Or at least that is how it is supposed to work, I don’t really know if it does in practicality though. I do think if you get takeout from an actual restaurant where the waiters are packing up your food for you, then you should tip, perhaps a bit less than normal- more like 10-15% to compensate them for their time lost from waiting at a table.

Jaya:  Yeah. I am actually fascinated in how tipping has changed since Seamless and other online ordering things came along.

Victoria:  Has it?

Jaya:  I think so. It sort of automatically calculates it. You can change it, but if you don’t do anything and just click “order” it’s already thrown in a couple bucks.

Victoria:  Ooh true.

Jaya:  And I forget if it’s the same amount I would have tipped had I paid in cash.

Victoria:  It’s pretty low, I always bump it up because delivery is the type of service you should be tipping for (though I don’t tip nearly as much if I am picking it up after ordering through Seamless).

Tipping always causes so much debate! Share with us your thoughts and experiences with tipping in the comments!

A Very Germy Christmas

Posted on by

1

If everyone is sick on Christmas, just go out for Chinese.

Hi Victoria and Jaya!

I have a question about handling social situations gracefully when illness and contagion are involved.

We spent Christmas with my husband’s grandparents (in Hawaii, no less!).  On Christmas Day, we arrived at their place in the morning to find Gramps’ wife sick in bed with some kind of undetermined stomach bug/food poisoning–so sick, in fact, that my husband wound up calling the paramedics and sending Gramps and Nana to the hospital.  We stayed at their apartment all day: finished roasting the turkey, carved it, refrigerated a couple platefuls and froze the rest, and cleaned up around the place.  Over the next couple of days, my husband and I spent several hours visiting at the apartment while Nana recovered.  As we prepared to leave Hawaii, my husband started to feel very unpleasant.  To spare you the gory details, he’s not as sick as Nana was, but the flight back home was NOT a good time.

Obviously, our situation was more fraught with obligations than most because of a) Christmas and b) grandparents.  But…shouldn’t people cancel invitations when they may be unpleasantly contagious?  And, is there a polite way to excuse oneself from social situations if someone is obviously sick and you’re worried about catching what they have?  I don’t want to make anyone feel like their home is a den of filth, but stomach bugs are no joke.

Thanks for reading!

Best,

Not-So-Merry Christmas

Official Etiquette:

Miss Manners says that an ill host should cancel a party.

Our Take:

Jaya:  Omg that Christmas sounds so sad!

Victoria:  We had a Thanksgiving once when I was very little where my cousin had some sort of illness and made everyone sick. And people still talk about her being Typhoid Andrea (although it wasn’t typhoid and it was 27 years ago).

Jaya:  Oh my god! Well yes, there was a reason Typhoid Mary was put on an island, and forced to stop making fruit cups for everyone.

Victoria: So firstly, it’s pretty great of them to take on finishing up Christmas while the grandparents were in the hospital instead of just throwing it in and going out or something.

Jaya:  Yeah, good job/ But also this seems very difficult. It’s not like a cousin got sick and had to stay at a hotel. It was the people hosting the Christmas. So you’re sorta SOL if your hosts are sick.

Victoria:  I think that the issue here is probably that they didn’t really have much notice that they were going to be sick.

Jaya:  I mean I’d rather find a random diner and have Christmas there than get a stomach bug from my grandparents, but still, yeah, no one plans getting sick. (She said, as if people planned getting sick.)

Victoria:  And if you are flying to Hawaii, you probably aren’t really going to be able to cancel your flight at the last second. Obviously if grandma and grandpa are a short car trip away, then totally cancel. But once flights and serious travel are involved, you are kind of stuck with making the best of the situation.

Jaya:  Yeah, though, ok, they flew to Hawaii. Most people do not go to Hawaii for less than 24 hours. I’m gonna assume they had at least a couple days booked. So if they arrive on Christmas Eve, it’s perfectly acceptable for the grandparents to call and be like “look, gramps has got a stomach bug, we’ll let you know more in the morning but if he’s still sick we may have to cancel.” And obviously it sucks because you have to find new plans/call the hospital (!!!), but I think most people would rather figure something out last minute than get a stomach virus. I’m also assuming they were maybe staying at a hotel, but this definitely changes if you’re staying with them, and show up to find them sick.

Victoria:  But don’t most airlines not really let you cancel your flight for a refund, so you are basically out probably $1000+? I mean, if it were me, I would probably check into a hotel in Hawaii and make the best of it.

Jaya:  That’s what I mean. you’re not gonna cancel your flight, but you know you at least have the rest of Hawaii to explore after you call the hospital and get your grandparents in.

Victoria:  Ahhh yes, totally.

Jaya:  I’m gonna guess the grandparents did not get sick until they were airborne. Because if you’re sick two days before Christmas, you would think you’d get over it and if you get sick the day before Christmas, everyone is already there.

Victoria:  Although, in some families, it might be more the thing to do to go ahead with staying with the family and helping out. I pretty much get a nasty cold every time I visit my parents for Christmas and let them baby me.

Jaya:  True, but it’s not your house you’re having Christmas in.

Victoria:  True.

Jaya:  I think it’s amazing that they went and cooked dinner and took care of everyone. It sounds like someone needed to at least go over and make sure they were ok but yeah, you risk getting sick that way.

Victoria:  But to be honest, wouldn’t you expect to do that for most close family? Like if I was visiting my parents and my mom got sick, I would totally make Christmas dinner and everything. I do think it would be totally excusable to get a hotel, of course. But I also think that hotels make for happy families, lol.

Jaya:  Yeah. I can’t tell if they were staying at their grandparents’ house, but you do not need to stay there.

Victoria:  The whole thing depends on your relationship. And it’s always much more awkward when it’s your in-laws.

Jaya:  But in general, I think that if you are hosting an event and you get sick, it’s your job to cancel/warn everyone. Like, an aside, I just had dinner with my dad and a cousin, and when they showed up they informed me they were both getting over 104 fevers. And it’s like, uhhh, don’t be outside?

Victoria:  Yes, I do think they should have been given a heads up so they could plan accordingly.

Jaya:  You give someone a heads up so they can make their own decisions, by either staying at their hotel/home, or coming over and helping out but knowingly risking getting sick.

Victoria:  Yeah.

Jaya:  Okay now the hard part though, how do you say so if you wanna stay home?

Victoria:  Yeah, I think you just have to be firm and be like, you are sick and we are going to stay home/stay at a hotel. But again. a lot of it will depend on your relationship.

Jaya:  Right. I don’t think anyone will blame you for that. I think it just has to be for the right reasons. Two people with a stomach bug is a big problem, but if your cousin has a slight cough you should just suck it up.

Victoria:  Some families see staying at a hotel as a huge insult and some are totally cool with it. But then also, with older people, you might also see it as your duty to come in and help out. And then also, when you get married/have kids/are an independent adult, you have to assert your boundaries. And just be firm and repetitive.

Jaya:  It probably will be rough when families see staying at a hotel as an insult. But unless they’re threatening never speaking to you again, I think just saying “We only have a limited amount of vacation time and don’t want to risk getting sick, but we’re happy to help out and plan alternatives if needed” that makes sense. Yeah, kids are always a good cop out with this. No one wants to give a baby a stomach virus.

Victoria:   And most people will know their own family best and how best to word it to be the least insulting.

Jaya:  Yeah, I think it’s just about holding your ground, like you said, without blaming anyone. Like, shit happens, people get sick. It’s not because you live an unhealthy life, you just pick things up. This is the hard part about the holidays. I think any hosts always feel such pressure and like “I don’t care if i’m throwing up every 15 minutes! I’ll put on dinner!”

Victoria:  Hahah yeah. That’s when everyone else has to jump in and be like, okay, let’s move it to my house or whatever. Holiday spirit!

Jaya:  Yeah! Go have it at the hotel bar! Make it like that scene in A Christmas Story where they just get duck at the Chinese restaurant!

Victoria:  Haha sure (i never saw A Christmas Story).

Jaya:  WHAT! Well, spoiler alert, dogs break into their house and eat Christmas dinner so they go to a Chinese restaurant as a family and have a great time. Probably a good lesson for everyone. Best laid plans, etc.