Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

Separating Couples at Dinner Parties

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I recently bought a copy of the incredibly fascinating The Rituals of Dinner by Margaret Visser, which is all about the origins of our customs surrounding dining and meals in Western culture, and I have great plans to share bits and pieces from it over time.

A tiny thing that Visser mentions is an intriguing piece of etiquette, which in my experience can be very controversial, the “rule” that at dinner parties couples (married ones, traditionally), should be split up in the seating arrangement. Previously my understanding of the reasoning for the rule was that couples talk to each other all the time and that it’s more fun for them to get to talk to other people for an evening (which, I think, is a totally fair interpretation of the rule).

However, Visser says that:

It has always been a rule of politeness that people in groups should show no favouritism. There must be no whispering in corners, no sharing of private jokes or blatant preferences for particular company; attention should be given to everyone present, as equally as possible. This is the reason why it is customary to separate engaged and married couples at table. Etiquette manuals remind us that dinner parties are for opening out towards other people; pairs or groups who do not want to do this should stay home.

Now, I’ve been to events where this was practiced, and been seated with the “outsider” (to the hosting group) spouses, and honestly, I think being separated from one’s partner really does make one stand on their own feet and have a conversation of their own rather than simply listen to their partner talk. Of course, this absolutely demands that everyone acknowledge the social contract of the dinner party to really give it your all in making conversation and trying to draw everyone in speaking distance into the conversation and not leaving anyone out. And as a somewhat anxious person (who has literally turned around at the door of an event and gone home because of nerves), I totally understand the urge to cling to the one person you know. But it really is a useful skill to be able to make “dinner party conversation” with anyone, on your own, because these situations do come up!

It should be noted that hosts also have the obligation to seriously look at their guest list and try to match up people who will have a good time talking to each other and hopefully will be able to draw useful social and business connections from the meeting. (Though the New York Times says that that particular kind of dinner party is dead and buried.)

Tell me in the comments if you’ve ever been separated from a partner at a party!

How Being in a Sorority Prepared Me to Be a Bridesmaid

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Last weekend, Jaya and I were bridesmaids in a college friend’s wedding. It was the first time I have been a bridesmaid, and it occurred to me that being a bridesmaid is a lot like being in a sorority (the bride happened to have been one of my sorority sisters). So these are the ways that being in a sorority prepares you to be a bridesmaid:

  • You are accustomed to wearing matching outfits (including teeshirts for the bachelorette).
  • You are used to walking and standing in heels for many hours.
  • You don’t blink at the suggestion to wear Spanx and/or pantyhose.
  • You are comfortable with all women events (for the shower, bachelorette, and getting ready the day of)
  • You know the value of a kit full of emergency supplies such as bandaids, medicine, Tide pens, sewing kits etc from long days of recruitment parties.
  • You know how to express extreme enthusiasm for EVERYTHING.
  • You are used to posing for group pictures.
  • You know how to deal with drama.
  • You can make conversation with people you have never met (people really like to talk to bridesmaids for some reason.)
  • You can (hopefully) hold your liquor and not embarrass yourself.
  • You know all the words to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”
  • You can stay out on the dance floor for hours.
  • You are good at crafts (if necessary to help the bride DIY).
  • Theme parties make you happy.

Not all of these are unique to sorority women, of course, but there is an alarming amount of overlap, don’t you think?

Portlandia’s Coffee Shop Manifesto Episode

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You know, usually Portlandia’s jokes are a major exaggeration of reality (obviously this is the point of the show!), but in one particular episode they hit the nail right on the head- the coffee shop manifesto. Now of course, baristas are not getting together in a dramatically lit room to yell about etiquette rules for coffee shops. But maybe they should and everyone would behave better. Here is what they came up with (they only get through a couple in the dialogue and the rest is posted by the counter later:

1. Cell phones are not to be used or the coffee will be abused.
2. Unattended children will be given an espresso and a puppy.
3. Know what you want before approaching the counter, no questions should be asked. (Ed: This is especially timely as I had to wait several minutes to make my Friday doughnut purchase at my super bougie doughnut place this week because a pair of tourists had to ask the counter person about EVERY.SINGLE.FLAVOR. of doughnut and what they personally recommended. Yes, first world problems, I know.)
4. The coffee is never too hot. You spilled, get over it.
5. Whipped cream is for kids. Foam is for adults.
6. Take your headphones off when ordering.
7. Don’t ask me what’s playing right now. We are a coffee shop, not a record store.
8. Do not ask me what’s good. It’s all good.
9. It’s espresso, not expresso.
10. I don’t know what the WiFi password is. Don’t ask.
11. Open your mouth! Also shut up! Get out!
12. [unclear]
13. Bus your own table. We are not a restaurant.
14. This is not a hangout shut your mouth.
15. [unclear]

Check out the scene for yourself!

To love, to cherish, and to obey?

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In pretty much every movie for my whole life, when a couple is getting married, the bride makes a BIG DEAL out of not wanting to say “obey” as part of the marriage vows. Which, yeah, duh. But is it really as big an issue as Hollywood makes it seem? Not really…

For the record, I am going to focus on Christian marriage vows because as far as I know, other religions don’t have a tradition of using it.

Firstly, to my great surprise, the Catholic church has NEVER had the word “obey” as part of their vows of marriage. Their wording goes like this:

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life.

The usage of “obey” actually comes from the Anglican church, as the vows included “obey” in the very first Book of Common Prayer written in 1549:

Wilt thou have this man to thy wedded houseband, to live together after Goddes ordeinaunce, in the holy estate of matrimonie? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honor, and kepe him in sickenes and in health? And forsaking al other kepe thee onely to him, so long as you bothe shall live?

Which eventually became:

Bride: I,_____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth.

Many other Protestant denominations, such as Lutherans, cribbed from this in America as immigrants came over and changed their services over from their native tongues.

HOWEVER, the Anglican and Episcopal churches voted in 1922 to remove “obey” from the vows, so honestly, at least 4-5 generations of women have not been instructed to use “obey” in their vows, making much of our cultural rage about the subject a bit of a tempest in a tea pot. And especially now when people are increasingly having civil wedding ceremonies and writing their own vows, there is significantly less pressure to even use traditional vows, let alone obsolete ones that include “obey.” Of course, this excludes the ultra religious nutters who have started to ADD obey into wedding vows that normally wouldn’t include them just so they can show that they are going be a submissive wife…but that’s a whole other situation.

What about your experiences? Did you, your mother, or grandmother say “obey” at her wedding? Did you even use traditional vow wording or did you write your own?

What Is a Marrow Spoon?

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I managed to eat at the original M Wells in Queens in the year or so that it was open and the most memorable thing from that dinner was their marrow and escargot dish. It was a full on bone cracked in half so you could get at the marrow with little escargots dotting it, so delicious, though I don’t recall any particularly special utensils with it.

However, if you were a hostess in the 17th or 18th century and you didn’t want your guests sucking on bones at the dinner table, you would have special suuuuuuuper skinny spoons called marrow spoons to allow diners to get inside bones and scoop out all that delicious marrow.

They seem to have fallen out of fashion by the Victorian period or later, Emily Post doesn’t mention them at all.

Luckily for us, Martha Stewart, in all her glory, has a video tutorial of how to use them: http://www.marthastewart.com/916502/how-use-18th-century-marrow-spoons

So tell me, have you eaten marrow? Do you like it? Did you use a marrow spoon?