Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

Etiquette At The Theater/Movies, Or Why Can’t People Ever Remember To Turn Off Their Cell Phones!?

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This is a theater I would patronize. [ Flickr user Mark Wallace]

Going to the theater used to be something that people dressed up for. Ok, people used to dress up for everything. My mom wore a corsage the first time she went on a plane. Anyway, in the great democratization of entertainment, this is not so much the case anymore. And that’s pretty great! You don’t have to wear a tux to go to the symphony (but you absolutely can if you want!). You don’t need an usher at the movie theater. But despite the slightly relaxed atmosphere, you (and everyone around you) did just pay $15 to see The Croods 2: Crood Harder, so here are some tips to make sure that money doesn’t go to waste.

In General

  • Arrive on time. If you are late to the movies, be quiet as you get settled and try to find a seat fast. If you are late to the theater an usher will either assist you or instruct you to wait in a room with a monitor of the show until there is a pause in the performance.

  • Silence your cell phone and put it AWAY. Come on, people, you know this. You should not speak on, text from, or even glance at your cellphone in a darkened theater. Even in your lap, people can see it and it is extremely distracting. (In Broadway theaters, using your cellphone during the show is actually illegal and you can be fined!)

  • Be quiet at all times: no talking and try to keep food noises and rustling to a minimum.

  • When passing people to get to your seats: there is some debate of whether to face the people you are passing or to face away. Victoria prefers to face away to avoid awkward eye contact and Jaya prefers not showing her butt to strangers. Either way, do your best not to step on them or their belongings. If someone is trying to pass you, do your best to clear a path and scoot your legs to the side or stand up.

  • If you have a coughing fit, please step outside until it is over.

  • If someone sitting near you is talking, playing with a cell phone, or otherwise being distracting, it is perfectly acceptable to politely (POLITELY!) ask them to please stop as they are being very distracting. You can also fetch an usher.

For Live Theater

  • Flashing lights mean you need to return to your seat immediately as the show is about to resume.

  • You cannot take photos in the theater, not because the ushers are mean, but because the set design is usually visible and it is copyrighted.

  • You can clap after songs and scenes- follow along with the rest of the crowd. (Though not at a symphony. You clap at the end of the performance, not after each movement).

  • Standing ovations should only be for very extraordinary performances. This may be a losing battle because everyone ends up standing for every show anyway, but don’t feel obligated to stand if you don’t want to- you won’t be able to see though!

  • Do not sing along with the musical. Yes, some people need to be reminded of this.

  • A note on that guy who threw that woman’s phone across the room during a play: Yes, that woman was being incredibly rude by being on her phone, and we all probably wish we could have the balls to do what he did. But what is more disruptive, this woman forcing you to deal with her cell phone screen, or everyone having to deal with your outburst? If someone is bothering you, tell them quietly. If they don’t comply, you may want to alert an usher to what is happening. But don’t make yourself the center of the disruption.

For The Movies

  • Very quiet comments and discussions about popcorn during the previews are acceptable, but all talking should cease when the feature begins. Reaction noises are perfectly normal, of course (laughter, gasps, etc.). The occasional comment to your friend is fine, but any kind of actual conversation, constant running commentary and questions, or anything above a whisper is definitely rude.

  • Don’t bring small children to adult movies unless you are sure they can behave and are willing to leave if they are acting up. Children’s movies have more leeway. A movie theater seat is also not the place to change your baby’s diaper. And anecdote time! Victoria was once at a showing of The Karate Kid starring Jaden Smith and a woman put her toddler in a seat next to Victoria and then left! So don’t do that.

  • Don’t put your feet up on the seat in front of you if someone is sitting in it, or rock back and forth a lot in your chair. That type of motion carries.

Special Royal Baby Edition: British Titles

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By Duke_and_Duchess_of_Cambridge_and_Prince_Harry.JPG: Carfax2derivative work: Surtsicna [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

A special royal baby post on British titles!

Firstly, the new baby’s title is His Highness Prince [NAME] of Cambridge. William and Kate’s official titles are Their Royal Highnesses the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and are properly referred to as such (or as just the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge). This title was given to them upon their marriage, previously William was HRH Prince William of Wales. As William was born a prince, he remains a prince and she is a princess, but the Queen has chosen to style them the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and what she says goes. Becoming a Duke made William a Peer of the Realm, which is better than being just a plain prince (and a commoner). If they had been styled as Prince and Princess, Kate would have been referred to as HRH Princess William of Wales because she was not already a princess in her own right. Prince/Princess is their rank, Duke/Duchess is their title. “Princess Diana” was made up by the press and was never her official title. Princess FirstName is only used in the UK when they are a princess by birth.

The ranking of the British nobility:

Duke/Duchess

Marquess/Marchioness

Earl/Countess

Viscount

Baron

In modern times, there isn’t that much meaning behind the titles except in rank. Dukes were first created (in England- the concept is older) by Edward III in the 1300s for his close family members and for a long time Dukes were only members of the royal family. Marquesses held pieces of land on the borders (marches) and because of their defensive position they were ranked higher than earls who held counties (earls are equal to counts in other countries, but the British use the Anglo-Saxon derivative of the Scandinavian word jarl) which were interior pieces of land. The title viscount doesn’t seem to have as much history or meaning as the others and is even now mostly only used as a courtesy title. Barons were originally the men who managed the land for a greater lord. Titles were often awarded to people for service to the Crown, so the greater the service, the greater the title.

Within each rank, age of the title indicates seniority. Life peers are titles given to people for the duration of their own life but which are not passed down to their heirs.

The word peer refers only to those who hold one of these titles fully (or their spouses) and traditionally would be eligible for the House of Lords. Everyone who is not a peer is a commoner (and that includes people like Prince Harry as prince and princess are courtesy titles for the children and grandchildren of the soverign). Children of peers may hold courtesy titles (we will get to those in a minute) but they are not accorded the full honors of that title and they are still commoners. So yes, even though they were rich, and Diana was aristocratic, before their marriages both Kate Middleton AND Princess Diana were commoners.

Courtesy Titles

Children of peers are commoners but they get to use courtesy titles to show their relationship to a peer. Peers often have multiple titles, so they give their eldest sons one of the lesser titles to use as a courtesy, as they will one day inherit the greater title. So the oldest son of a duke might be referred to as the Earl of ____. (This only goes for the eldest son of dukes, marquesses, and earls). Though the son may be styled a Marquess or Earl, they do not hold the full courtesy of that title. For example, a Marquess is properly known as The Most Honourable [first name] Marquess of _______, but a courtesy marquess is not The Most Honourable, they are just the Marquess of ______ (and the “the” is dropped for correspondence)

Younger sons of dukes and marquesses are styled Lord [first name][surname]. Younger sons of earls and all sons of viscounts and barons are styled The Honourable (often shortened to The Hon) [first name][last name]. This is only used descriptively and in addresses, Honourables should be called Mr. ________.

Daughters of dukes, marquesses, and earls are styled Lady [first name][last name].

Sons and daughters of viscounts and barons also use the courtesy title The Honourable in the same way as noted above.

Dowagers

The widowed wife of a duke, marquess, earl, or viscount is the Dowager of that title. For example: widows of dukes are referred to as the Dowager Duchess of ______ or [first name], Duchess of ______. If there is already a Dowager Duchess when the duchess in question is widowed, she is always referred to as [first name], Duchess of ______. If a duchess’s son is unmarried when she becomes widowed, she remains the Duchess of ______ until he marries. (This applies to widows of marquesses and earls also, with Marchioness, Countess, or Viscountess filling in for Duchess.)

Widows of barons are known as Dowager Lady _______ or [first name], Lady _______.

Duke/Duchess

Princes of the Royal Blood are usually created dukes when they marry, as Prince William became the Duke of Cambridge when he married Kate Middleton. There are also non-royal dukes who can trace their lines back to someone who was created a duke by a monarch. All the children and some of the grandchildren of the monarch are addressed as His/Her Royal Highness followed by their other title (the Duke/Duchess, Earl/Countess, Prince/Princess, etc).

In conversation/print Dukes/Duchesses are referred to as The Duke or Duchess of ________ or His/Her Grace. They are addressed directly as Duke or Duchess or Your Grace.

Marquess/Marchioness, Earl/Countess, Viscount/Viscountess, Baron/Baroness

In conversation/print and when addressed directly, these ranks are called Lord or Lady______ (where the blank is their holding, not their first name).

Countess/Baroness

Many earldoms/barons can be inherited by women, so these women are properly called the Countess of/Baroness ______, but her husband gains no title or style from being married to a Countess/Baroness.

A baroness in her own right has the choice of being called Baroness_______ or Lady ________ (where the blank is their last name). Most choose to go by Lady as Margaret Thatcher, a Life Baroness, went by Lady Thatcher.

Other

The Princess Royal refers to the eldest daughter of a monarch. Though as she retains the title for life and there can only be one at a time, if a monarch has a daughter and there is already a Princess Royal, she won’t be called that. Queen Elizabeth’s daughter Anne is the current Princess Royal.

His/Her Royal Highness (HRH) is a style given to members of the royal family.

I have been asked before why Prince Philip isn’t King Philip. The reason is that a King outranks a Queen and the ruler must be the highest ranked person, so when a woman is Regnant, her husband is Prince Consort instead of King. When there is a King, his wife is the Queen Consort as opposed to the Queen Regnant when a woman rules, though generally Queen Consort is just shortened to Queen.

This is an extremely simplified (but hardly simple!) explanation of a very complicated topic. For everything you could possibly want to know about British titles up to how to address the Queen, see http://www.debretts.com. The British Monarchy also has an excellent site specifically about the Royal Family http://www.royal.gov.uk/. And please see this excellent post by a royalty scholar http://royalmusingsblogspotcom.blogspot.com/2011/05/primer-catherine-is-princess.html.

Thank Goodness Men No Longer Need to Walk on the Right to Keep Their Sword Arm Free

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For some reason, it persists among (some) men that to be chivalrous, they need to walk on a particular side of a woman when walking down the street. Historical reasons cited for this include:

  • When knights existed, their right arm was their sword arm and thus is needed to be available to defend the lady.

  • When people used to throw garbage out the window, the woman needed to be on the building side of the street so it wouldn’t hit her.

  • The man needs to be on the street side of the sidewalk in case a car splashes water.

  • Having the lady on the wrong side implies she is a prostitute

This often results in some ridiculous running around the lady to get to the correct side creating awkwardness all around. From a quick Google, men’s dating sites are strongly encouraging this practice though it should clearly die out. The fact of it is there is no really good reason for the man to be walking on the street side, danger is just as likely to come from the other side.

Granted, most old etiquette books (right up through Emily Post) do instruct the man to take the curbside position (or the married lady should take it if walking with a single lady), but they all also say that a gentleman should always defer to a lady’s preference. This means no pouting like a petulant child if a woman refuses to let you act the gallant.

There are any number of acceptable chivalrous practices that you can participate in if you wish to feel like a knight in shining armour:

  • Hold doors (but don’t insist she wait in the car while you run around to open her side!)

  • Offer your jacket (but only because it is likely you are wearing a long sleeved shirt and she is not)

  • Hold the umbrella (because you are likely taller)

  • Go to the door to pick her up instead of honking (or calling/texting) from the car

  • Give the lady (or anyone!) a hand or elbow if they are unsteady on their feet from illness/drunkenness/ill-advised heel heights

How To Not Make An Ass Of Yourself At The Dinner Table

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This is why the "no elbows on the table" thing. (via)

This is why the “no elbows on the table” thing. (via)

So many things can go wrong when dining socially, but if you keep these basic ideas in mind you won’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself:

  • Don’t put your elbows on the table while you are eating. (Fun exercise: Sit up straight at a table and try to cut and eat your food while resting your elbows. It’s impossible anyway!) Between courses is fine though- such as when the main meal has been cleared but you are waiting for dessert and are really engaged in conversation with someone.

  • Don’t butter your whole roll- put a pat of butter on the bread plate, and break off sections of the roll and butter them individually.

  • Don’t chew with your mouth open.

  • Do use your utensils except for very dry foods like bread, or in more casual situations. You’ll probably look like an idiot trying to eat chicken wings with your fork and knife at Hooters.

  • Do ask for things to be passed to you instead of grabbing them.

  • Do pass the salt and pepper together.

  • Do remember that your bread plate is to your left, drink is to your right.

  • Do use good cell phone etiquette. We’ll discuss this more later, but we have to mention that your phone has no place at the dinner table (unless in an extremely casual setting), and if it’s an emergency to properly excuse yourself from the table

  • Don’t feel awkward about “grace.” You may be asked to say grace when dining in a religious home or at a holiday dinner. There are a number of well known graces you can say if you feel comfortable, but a general thanking of the host and talking about the beauty of the food is fine. If you want more of a “grace” feel, you could try this secularized version: “for what we are about to receive, let us be truly thankful. Amen.” If someone else is saying grace, follow along with everyone else and either bow your head or join hands respectfully and either say amen at the end, or say nothing.

  • Do wait until everyone has been seated and served before beginning to eat

  • Do put your napkin on your lap. If you get up from the table, leave your napkin on your chair, but when you finish your meal, place your napkin loosely at the side of your plate.

  • Do put your fork and knife together on the plate with the handles at the 4 o’clock position when you are finished eating.

You would think that a lot of these would be so obvious they don’t need to be said. But I once attended a sorority luncheon at a fancy restaurant and one of the girls ate her fully dressed salad with her fingers, so you never know. That being said, I eat most of my meals sitting on my couch in my tiny apartment, so when you are alone you are permitted to eat like an animal!

A note for parents:

I am not a parent and am therefore hesitant to give advice, but I am going to anyway! Kids can have good table manners even from an early age but it does take a LOT of repetition and practice. In my family we ate dinner at the table every night, often with candles and classical music. Table manners were strictly enforced and by the time my sister and I were 11 or 12, we could happily sit through three course meals at some extremely nice and expensive restaurants. Practice at home and then occasionally take your kids out to a restaurant with waiters and real plates for them to practice using their good manners in public. Then they won’t end up as the college girl who eats salad with her fingers in public!

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: Southern Belles

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I have this great book that someone gave me when I moved from California to go to college in the South called The Southern Belle Primer or Why Princess Margaret Will Never Be a Kappa Kappa Gamma by Maryln Schwartz. I think its supposed to be satirical to some extent, but all the reviews of it online suggest that the majority of it is true facts. It was published in the early ‘90s, so I don’t know if it still holds true. I didn’t meet any Southerners like this when I was in school, but I would love love LOVE to hear if any of this is still going on. Some highlights pertaining to etiquette (you will have to acquire the book to find out about the Silver Pattern Zodiac):

  • Walking around with a lighted cigarette is a no-no.

  • Pink lemonade has Communist undertones. (WHAT???)

  • Bridesmaids’ shoes should match the punch. (If someone can invent gold or silver punch, this could totally work!)

  • Never chew gum in public and never smoke on the street.

  • Never wear an ankle bracelet.

  • Ribbons are taken from the presents at a bridal shower and made into a fake bouquet for the substitute bride to carry at the rehearsal. It’s bad luck for the real bride to participate in the rehearsal.

  • Appropriate shower presents: appliances. Appropriate wedding presents: silver, china, crystal, etc.

  • Wedding gifts are displayed in the bride’s home.

  • You can’t put deviled eggs on a regular plate- they need a deviled egg plate. (My mom has a deviled egg plate and it is AWESOME, so.)

  • “You can always tell just how fancy a tea is by how tiny the food is that is served, Anything that’s big enough to fill you up is just tacky.”

  • No lady wears jewelry before 4 in the afternoon.

  • Beer should never be drunk out of the bottle, always from a glass.

  • Southerners always pass on, they never die.

Please join us TONIGHT at Otto’s Shrunken Head in the East Village (Facebook event page here) for tiki drinks and etiquette talk!

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