Author Archives: Victoria Pratt

Suggestions for British Reality Shows

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If you’ve caught on to the quiet craze for The Great British Bake Off (Great British Baking Show in the US because apparently Pilsbury can copyright “Bake Off,” ugh), you will know that is a much kinder, gentler reality show than we are used to in the US. The contestants are genuinely nice to each other, there are no dramatic pauses that cut to advertising breaks (and thus they can fit 3 challenges into an episode instead of two), and everyone seems to be having a genuinely good time. In short, it’s incredibly relaxing and soothing to watch- the Bob Ross of cooking shows in a sense. So I thought about, what IF there were soothing British versions of other US reality shows? Some suggestions for producers:

  • House Hunters: Britain. I know that there are sometimes Brits on the international version of House Hunters, but what if this was just well adjusted and happy couples looking at quaint British cottages/manors/Tudor half timber? They would save that everything looked just lovely the way it was, not a mention of paint color, granite counter tops, closet space, or “man caves.” They wouldn’t be able to choose and would end up staying where they already lived, because, “we’re perfectly happy here already.”
  • Real Housewives of the Cotswolds. Watch as a charming group of friends in tweed and sweaters go for horseback rides, long walks in wellies, have a spot of tea, and plan the annual garden show. No table throwers need apply.
  • Keeping Up with the Cambridges. A whole show summing up the public appearances of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge that week. With special attention paid to Kate’s clothing choices. Fully palace approved with nothing controversial.
  • Catfish Britain: Everyone is who they say they are, they are just too shy to go out and prefer to talk online. (h/t to Jaya for this one)
  • Lord John and Kate Plus Eight. An Earl and Countess find themselves with 8 children! Of course this is no problem because they hire a staff of nannies and the children end up even more eccentric and less controversial than the Mitfords. Popular scenes include the 15 minutes per day the children see their parents before dinner.
  • The Simple Life. Young married couple with children are actually quite happy to escape the stress of the city to their country estate on weekends and start to contemplate whether they can manage to live there full time.
  • Extreme Make Over: British Home Edition. No one’s lives have been ruined by medical bills thanks the the NHS but along with the Extreme Make Over team, friends and neighbors still pitch in to help people who have been struck by hardship.
  • Duck Dynasty. An eccentric middle aged dad carefully films a pair of ducks nesting, laying their eggs, hatching the chicks, watching them walk about, and finally growing up and leaving the nest to create dynasties of their own.
  • Toddlers and Tiaras. An absurd idea, everyone knows that you may not wear a tiara until after marriage and toddlers are far too young for that.

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle’s Guide to Etiquette

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Did you read the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle books growing up? You must have since the first book came out in 1947! They were always one of my favorites, probably because I like obeying rules and it was funny to see what would happen to kids who didn’t obey the rules. I’m probably a monster.

Anyway, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle (maybe they should update her name to Ms. Piggle-Wiggle? For all kids books they should do that, to set a good example!) comes up with funny and delightful cures to fix all kinds of bad behaviors in children. And in Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle’s Magic, she comes up with a cure for bad table manners.

This story involves a little boy named Christopher Brown who eats like a wild animal. His parents have tried to teach him better but their instructions fall on deaf ears. His mother is particularly worried that he will soon be invited to dinner at friends’ houses and embarrass her horribly. His bad table manners are defined as:

  • Chewing with his mouth open
  • Smacking his lips
  • Gulping audibly
  • Making piles of food on his fork and then sticking it straight down his throat
  • Buttering whole slices of bread on his hand (!!!! this story is old enough, 1949, that most people still knew that you should tear bread into pieces and butter them individually)
  • Mixing his food up until it looks like dog food
  • Drinking his soup from the bowl
  • Gesturing with his fork until food flies off

So basically, pretty bad! Enter Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle.

See, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle has a pig named Lester who has beautiful table manners and she lends him to Mrs. Brown to teach Christopher some manners. During the next few days, Lester provides a good example of table manners to Christopher and gently corrects him when he is being boorish. However, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are a bit rude to poor Lester. Mr. Brown throws his bedding into the laundry shoot and makes oink oink noises at him. And Mrs. Brown serves pork for dinner! And then she doesn’t learn ANYTHING and serves bacon for breakfast! I mean, REALLY!

But fortunately, all of Lester’s teachings paid off and Christopher went off to his first dinner party with such polite manners that the hostess called his mother to compliment him the next day.

Now if only we could all have a magical pig to teach manners!

What Is a Linen Press?

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You might know a linen press as a piece of furniture used to store linens, but did you know that there is an alternate meaning of this phrase? From the medieval period up until the 19th century, linen presses (also called napkin presses) were actual presses that were used to flatten cloth, sometimes give it a nice sheen, and interestingly, to create purposeful creases in the cloth. It was also used for storage- many books of household management reference getting tablecloths out of the napkin press and putting them back in when the meal was over. These were so common, they are mentioned in household lists of furniture and guides for housewives without any explanation of what they are for or how to use them other than that they are helpful to keep tablecloths and napkins neat.

They worked like any kind of press- you put the linen in between two boards and then tightened it down with a screw mechanism. So, kind of ironing by pressure instead of heat. Speaking of irons, though, did you know you can buy giant irons that you feed tablecloths and sheets and things through (if you want them smooth and not with purposeful creases)? I found that out recently and I want one so badly because I am a wack who loves ironed sheets, but alas, I cannot fit a monster appliance like that in my Brooklyn apartment. Someday though.

 

 

Can Etiquette Be Humorous?

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Etiquette is often thought (incorrectly) to be classism disguised as manners, so it can actually be quite funny when someone uses hyperbolic classism as etiquette.

At least I hope that is what William Hanson is doing.

Once billed as the UK’s youngest etiquette expert, William Hanson is a regular columnist at the Daily Mail (I knoooow, and what’s even worse, it’s in the woman’s interest section called “femail”- like female but spelled like “mail” for the Daily Mail. I cannot.), the author of A Bluffer’s Guide to Etiquette, a popular etiquette commentator for various TV programs, and a tutor for the etiquette consultancy company, The English Manner (presumably another pun on English Manor, as in fancy house where polite people live?). While his book and personal appearances are serious (though funny and engaging), his Daily Mail columns are HILARIOUS when read as a satire of the British class system and how it relates to etiquette (though horrifying if taken seriously, as many of the commentors seem to.)

For example:

  • How Common Is Your Breakfast?:
    • “The middle classes today are obsessed with health foods to start their days. Protein this, good fats that. All rather boring and faddy for the uppers to worry about.
    • They’ve survived this far without chia seeds, thank you, and will somehow manage to carry on the lineage in their absence.”
    • “Do I even have to spell it out what a McMuffin says about your life choices and standards? I severely hope not. Being seen walking down a street with a takeaway cup of coffee is also a fast-track ticket for entry into society hell.”
  • What Does YOUR Home Say About Your Social Class?:
    • “I have written before that there are few worse accusations one can level against someone than that they own, or aspire to own, a hot tub.”
    • “The size of a house’s main television is pretty much the acid test in social class. The bigger the television the more downmarket the establishment.”
    • “Mirrored furniture is not only redolent of the lower echelons of the premier league but stunningly impractical…Oak or mahogany furniture, slightly chipped or worn in places, is far smarter and carries more cachet.”
  • The 12 Silent Ways Everyone Is Judging Your Social Class:
    • “It’s not just how we shake hands but what we say to accompany it. The upper classes will all say ‘how do you do’, which is rhetorical. ‘Pleased/nice to meet you’ is the definition of de trop.”
    • “This is now pandemic at black tie events: men turning up (often the ones with ready-made bow ties) and the moment they reach their seat, whipping off the jacket and sticking it on the back. So vulgar!”
  • How Posh Is YOUR Bedroom?:
    • “Bed linens are cotton, linen or a blend of both. Silk and satin sheets are the reserve of haggard, ageing ungentlemanly playboys. Linens are often white, or off white. Floral bedding is acceptable if you’re thatched. Black, deep purple or maroon sheets are to be left in the shop. Or ideally burned.”
    • “One way to make sure your bedroom is up there with the hoity-toity is to display a beaten up teddy bear, stuffed with memories of the nursery.”
    • “Upon rising, it is important to change and dress for breakfast if you wish to frolic both outside and inside the sheets with the PLU set [People Like Us -Ed.]. Eating kippers in your pyjamas is not on.”
    • “The best houses are big houses. Big, rattling and totally impractical. Therefore, they are cold. Especially now as impoverished aristos and gentry struggle to keep the central heating running at all – unless they sellout to costume dramas. Cold? Pop an extra dog on the bed rather than reach for the radiator. Cheaper and warmer, by far. Très chic!”

He also has a wonderful Twitter.

So what do you all think? Satire or serious? It has to be satire, right?

Right??

What Is a Chatelaine?

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A chatelaine is like a really fancy, old timey keychain or Swiss Army knife mixed with a charm bracelet- it’s got a little of everything in a pretty package. Though they were around much longer, the term wasn’t coined as “chatelaine” until 1828.

Women traditionally wore it either around their waist or pinned to a belt or something at the waist and was meant to carry around all manner of useful objects to help with household tasks. It might have things like scissors, a little notebook, keys, seals, tweezers, etc. During many periods, these items were very valuable as well as useful, so it was good to keep them on one’s person so they would not be lost. During the period that chatelaines were popular, most women’s clothing didn’t have pockets and they didn’t really carry bags, so the chatelaine was a substitute.

It could also refer simply to the keys to the house. In many times and households where servants were common, much of the supplies and goods were kept locked up to prevent theft. Household silver and jewelry, obviously, but also pantries and linen closets, so having the keys to all of these was the task of the mistress of the house and the servants would have to go to her to have her unlock things so they could get supplies. Having the keys to a household was a powerful thing- and often little girls would copy their mothers by carrying “chatelaines” around that were much more like charm bracelets than any real use.

Chatelaines could be very plain or completely covered in diamonds, other jewels, and fine metals. They could also be specialized to a trade (like nursing- with thermometers, bandages, and such) or a hobby.

Of course, like everything, they could get so ridiculous that they were mocked in cartoons, like this one from a 19th century Punch magazine:

 

There is a book about chatelaines, apparently, if you are interested.