Thank Goodness We Don’t Have to Do That Anymore: Hat Etiquette

I could do a whole post on famous hats in movies. [ via Wikimedia Commons]

Technically, we do still have to follow hat etiquette. But since hats are no longer de rigueur, a lot of this has fallen by the wayside. However, when you do wear a hat, you really do need to follow this and shouldn’t wear your hipster fedora inside even though you think you are so cool. In fact, taking your hat off inside is probably the only hat etiquette rule that still needs to be followed.

Unfortunately, for equality, most hat etiquette is intended for the man. The reason for this is that men’s hats are easily removed. Women’s hats traditionally were very fussy and actually attached to their hair with hat pins and the like. Taking it off would also often mess up their hair dos. However, when a woman wears a gender-neutral hat like a baseball cap, she needs to also remove it when indoors. I would count warm winter hats as well, but you’re probably taking those off indoors already.

Interestingly, a hostess does not wear a hat in her own home. So if a woman were hosting a luncheon, bridge game, bridal shower, etc. in her home during the afternoon (in ye olden times) all of her female guests would probably be wearing hats, but she would not. Women did not wear hats with a brim after 5pm, they switched to cocktail hats which were much smaller.

An interesting exception to women keeping their hats on inside was when attending the theater. If one’s hat was so big as to obscure the view for someone behind them, the person who was being blocked could ask that the hat be removed and it should be done at once. It would be wise to wear only very small hats to the theater, obviously. Men took off their top hats when seated for the performance (collapsible top hats were made for this very purpose!) but they kept them on when strolling the corridors.

There is an exception to taking your hat off indoors. When you enter a public building and are using transitional spaces such as lobbies, hallways, and elevators, you do not need to take your hat off. Do take it off once you reach the office/apartment/whatever you are visiting. Hats remain on on public transportation and in stores as well. Hats are removed in restaurants (except when sitting at a counter in an informal restaurant).

In addition to indoors, hats need to be removed for the national anthem and passing funeral processions.

In some religious spaces, such as some Jewish synagogues, it might be required that men cover their heads. Go with what is done.

Traditionally, men spent a lot of time doffing their hats or tipping the brim. A man would remove his hat when meeting a woman in the street and stopping to talk with her. He would also take it off when a woman entered an elevator he was in. A man would briefly lift his hat or touch the brim when: greeting strangers on the street, after briefly speaking to a strange woman (after informing her of a dropped object, for example), when passing a woman in a tight space, to acknowledge a kindness or favor in public, or basically anytime he needed to acknowledge a stranger in public.

Communal Laundry Etiquette

At least we don’t have to wash laundry this way anymore. [Via The Boston Public Library on Flickr]

This is for communal laundry rooms in an apartment or dorm or similar, a commercial laundromat is a completely different thing.

There are only a few rules for communal laundry but they are pretty important.

  • If you come in and the washer or dryer is stopped but full of clothes, it is kind to wait a couple of minutes (if possible) for the person to come back. If they don’t, you are perfectly free to remove the clothes and use the machine. You should do your best to put the clothes in a laundry cart or cleanish table. Never throw them on the floor! Technically, I don’t think you even need to wait to see if someone shows up, but I like to give a little buffer (though, I live only one floor above my laundry room).
  • If you do not want someone touching your things, you need to get there exactly when the wash or dry cycle ends and remove them.
  • Originally I had written that it is fine to use multiple machines, but that you might consider leaving one machine open if it’s a busy time like a Saturday afternoon. However, it has been mathematically demonstrated to me (seriously) that is it more efficient for all possible laundry doers if you do all your laundry at once and don’t cause down time on the machines. However, I do still think it is a bit rude to plan on doing, I don’t know, 8 loads of laundry on a day that you know your particular laundry room is busy.
  • If there is an accessible lint tray in the dryer, empty it when you remove your clothes.
  • Do your best to keep the room relatively neat, cleaning up your detergent spills and pocket detritus.

What annoys you about your shared laundry situation?

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Do That Anymore: Hand Kissing

Even Leo only saw it in a Nickelodeon once, it wasn’t an everyday thing.

Rhett Butler did it, Jane Austen’s heroes did it, but did anybody ever really kiss anyone’s hand?

I was all prepared to have a history of hand kissing and how it was done, but to be honest; I could find very few references to it in any historical etiquette books. And fun fact, Jane Austen’s novels contain only 4 instances of hand kissing.

Emily Post doesn’t mention it at all in her original etiquette book. I consulted a wide variety of books from the 1830s to the 1920s, and they hardly mention kissing at all, let alone how to properly kiss a lady’s hand.

I did find two instances describing how hand kissing is not done in the US.

The Handbook of Official and Social Etiquette and Public Ceremonials at Washington from 1889 which says:

The form of kissing by way of salutation between opposite sexes is obsolete in the United States, except among relatives. Among ladies it still prevails, but it should be confined to intimate friends, and then on the forehead or cheek. In ancient times it was in vogue between the sexes in the best society, it being applied to the cheek, forehead, or hand. It is still customary to a limited degree in Germany. In the United States it is never used, except restricted as above.

And in Manners, Culture, and Dress of the Best American Society from 1894 which talks about “the kiss of respect”:

The kiss of mere respect- almost obsolete in this country- is made on the hand. This custom is retained in Germany and among the gentlemen of the most courtly manners in England.

In fact, I didn’t find any real reference to it at all until Amy Vanderbilt’s New Complete Book of Etiquette from 1967 (though she probably also included it in earlier editions). Fortunately she had a lot to say about it!

In her section on the “Masculine Graces” she describes how to perform a hand kiss in case an American man encounters a married French woman who presents her hand for a kiss (hand kisses are apparently not given to unmarried ladies unless they are “of a certain age” aka really old). The technique is for the man to “take her fingers lightly in his, palm upward, bow slightly over her hand…, and touch his lips to the back of it, not really implant a kiss.” She also calls it extremely rude to kiss the palm of the hand and says that some foreigners will try it on naïve American ladies who don’t know any better.

When discussing different customs abroad, Vanderbilt says that hand-kissing should be impersonal with the lips never actually touching the hand, or even becoming a bow over the hand. She does quote an Italian saying that they don’t really do hand kissing anymore except “with American women we go to some lengths because they seem to expect it and like it and we want to please.”

Hand kissing was probably originally something you did to kings and other rulers, to show fealty. Wikipedia suggests that the custom of men kissing the hands of women originated in Poland/Lithuania and the Spanish courts in the 17th and 18th century, but doesn’t really provide sources on that. It also mentions that it has fallen out of favor and replaced by handshakes or cheek kissing, though it does mention that former French President Jacques Chirac made it his trademark, which apparently is completely true.

I will say, I have had my hand kissed before, in a rather ridiculous circumstance, and it was very swoony. So, if you think you have the finesse to pull it off on occasion, go for it! But be warned unless you are very, very charming, it is likely to come off as creepy and inappropriate.

Public Transportation Etiquette

Let’s bring back these cute etiquette signs in the subway!
[Image via Forgotten New York]

Nothing produces more ire in people than public transportation etiquette. Everyone hates being there and everyone behaves so badly! We tried to make this list as exhaustive as possible, but please chime in in the comments with your thoughts, opinions, pet peeves, and anything we left out.

Basics:

Give pregnant ladies, old people, people with obvious injuries, and anyone who asks your seat.

Let people off the train before you get on, to a reasonable degree- no need to wait for that person who doesn’t decide to get off the train until the last second (we will get to them later)

If you stand in the doorway of the train, either turn yourself sideways and get as small as possible or step out of the train to let people on.

Your bag doesn’t get it’s own seat, put it on your lap or between your feet on the floor.

Related, if you are sitting, don’t take up more than your amount of space. This means men don’t get to spread their legs three feet wide and no one gets to put their feet up on an adjoining seat. If someone is partially blocking a seat, you are well within your rights to politely notify them that you want to sit down and then assert that right by doing so.

Headphones/earbuds are your friend. There is no excuse for using any noise-making device in public without them. While we are at it, be mindful of headphone noise leakage. If I can hear Party in the USA coming from 5 people down, your volume is too loud.

When traveling through subway stations, do not stop moving. Do not stop at the top of stairs, do not stop at the bottom of stairs, do not come to a sudden stop in the middle of the platform. Always get out of the flow of traffic, and then stop.

Do not lean on subway poles unless you like my knuckles digging into your back as much as possible.

Don’t eat smelly food.

Exit through the rear door of a bus (unless it’s crowded and you are near the front). Also, as you enter a bus, move towards the back as much as possible.

Escalators: stand right, walk left.

It should go without saying that personal hygiene activities like clipping toe nails and flossing don’t belong on the subway, but from experience, I know that it does, in fact, need to be said.

Take all of your trash with you and dispose of it in a trash can.

If you have kids:

  • If you give them a toy to play with, make sure it’s something they can use in their own space and doesn’t make noise. (AKA no watching movies at full blast on your iPad, no kids playing with toy cars on the floor)
  • Subway seats are not a great place to change diapers! I know, you can’t control when your baby decides to poop, but sorry, getting off the subway to find a better place to change a diaper is sorta what you signed up for as a parent.
  • Many public transit systems do have rules that strollers need to be folded at all times, or at least when the bus or train becomes very crowded. This can be difficult if you have a lot of stuff, but do your best to keep aisles and doorways free.

 

Extra Credit (I’m not going to go so far as to say these are etiquette rules, but following them makes public transportation more pleasant for everyone)

Try to fill up available seats on a crowded (or even moderately full) train- standing people take up space that makes it more difficult for people to move in and out of the train.

Try to look around you at every stop to make sure that you aren’t blocking the path of people coming in and out. Play your part to keep everything moving smoothly.

When the train is about to reach your stop, start gathering all your things and make your way towards the door if possible. People need to wait to let you off before getting on, but they shouldn’t have to wait until the doors are about to close before you realize that hey, you need to get off.

This is probably just me, but can we ban talking above a whisper on the morning commute?