Author Archives: Uncommon Courtesy

What If I’m Not a Hugger?

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200_sHi Uncommon Courtesy,

What is your stance on hugs as a hello or goodbye?

I, personally, hate hugs, unless they’re with all but the closest of family and friends- and even then, just for a) comfort in the direst of emotional states or b) when this is goodbye for at least a few weeks to a month, or before some kind of trying endeavour. I don’t even particularly enjoy a hug with anyone but my husband, but I will do it because I’m not a monster and know when someone wants one.

This is obviously an idiosyncratic thing, perhaps set in place by my undemonstrative Irish family, but they make my skin crawl, and when I see an acquaintance/parent of a friend/colleague who I’m friendly with but don’t want to touch coming in for one, I’m like, oh god oh god no. Especially, because I feel like I tend to be forced into hugging while my husband gets to shake hands! 

Leaving aside the gendered complexity of hugging, I ask you two things.

1. What is your opinion on hugs (is my dislike of hugs my own cross to bear, or is there some merit to it), and, 2. considering I can’t avoid all hugs and must occasionally wrap my arms around semi-strangers, what would a modern guide to social hug etiquette look like?

Thanks for any light you can shed on this matter.

Yours faithfully,

Not feeling it

 

Official Etiquette

Emily Post didn’t really say much on hugging, but according to MTV Lauren Conrad is the Emily Post of hugging (???). She lays down some rules here, but says to save the big, two-armed hugs for close family and friends.

 

Our Take

Jaya: So how do we navigate an increasingly hug-friendly world? I was caught by LW’s mention of how gendered this can be. I hadn’t really thought of it, but that totally happens.

Victoria: Ugh yes, this happened to me once! With a young guy–he was shaking hands with all the guys and then I go to shake his hand and he’s like, “I think we can hug.”  I did because I don’t really care, but ugh! Not if it’s just the girls that you hug!

Jaya: That’s ridiculous, especially if it’s a professional setting. Though I admit, I’m a total hugger.

Victoria: Me too. I guess I am somewhat sexist about hugging–I will hug strange women more than strange men. Like friend’s parents, I will hug the mom but not the dad.

Jaya: I find myself doing that as well. I guess it comes from an assumption that it won’t be taken sexually, which obviously it can be no matter who you hug. I do my best to read body language and see if someone is uncomfortable with it. And honestly some days I don’t feel like hugging, or there are some people I don’t want that level of intimacy with, and try to quickly get my hand out there for a handshake.

Victoria: I also think that social hugs can be like, gentle, quick hugs that leave a fair amount of space between the people. But it’s perfectly fine to say “I’m not a hugger” and stick out your hand.

Jaya: Is it though? I mean, it should be, but I feel like if everyone is hugging and you say no it’s gonna turn into like “who’s the ice queen?” situation. Which is just to say that huggers need to be more aware of those personal boundaries.

Victoria: Yeah, if someone’s giving you pressure you don’t want to be friends with them anyway. I guess you try to read the situation and see if you can get away with not hugging. Also a good time to take up Irish exits–if you don’t say goodbye, they can’t force you to hug.

Jaya: Hahaha yes. I think sticking out your hand first is key, and if someone comes in for a hug anyway do your best to make it quick and create as much space as possible, to send the message that you’re uncomfortable. Also, this question got me thinking a lot about a few articles I’ve read about not forcing children to hug anyone, even family members. This is a good example, but basically it comes down to teaching children body autonomy at an early age, and understanding that something like a hug can be very intimate. And maybe we’re forgetting that applies to adults too.

Victoria: Absolutely. You should teach kids how to politely greet people and not hide and stuff, but they should get to choose. Plus, get them started early on firm handshakes and maybe there won’t be so many people with terrible handshakes.

Jaya: Ugh preach.

Victoria: Want to hear how I learned to shake hands? So I went to Take Your Daughters To Work Day with my mom when I was 11 or 12, and she was introducing me to people and I was shaking their hands, and she observes my weak handshake a few times and tells me that no one likes shaking a dead fish. And thus I have always shook hands pretty well (I think!).

Jaya: That’s amazing! I do not remember how I learned, but I think I’m good at it. But handshakes are great because they’re very neutral. Like yes, we live in a society where if you refuse any sort of accepted greeting you’re going to be a bit ostracized, but you should feel free to decline a hug.

Victoria: Definitely, and people should be very understanding.

Jaya: What do you think could be said if someone gives you shit for it? I can imagine some jovial fellow coming in for a hug, me saying “I’m sorry, I’m not really a hugger,” and getting a lot of pressure to just lighten up.

Victoria: I mean, to an extent you either play it serious or act even jokier, depending on the situation. Alot of situations, you probably won’t be able to get out of though. I guess the more people who make a stink about it, the more people who will get it that some people don’t like hugging.

Jaya: Yeah, if you’re willing to be that person.

Victoria: I mean, you can feel the moral superiority that the person who is pressuring is the rude one. Which is cold comfort, I realize. My thoughts come down to: say you aren’t a hugger, and if they insist, decide if you are going to fight that battle, and if you are not, try to give a brief, light hug or whatever makes you comfortable. My bugaboo is the cheek kissing thing–I never know when its going to happen! Especially the double kiss! I’m always like, hey, oh, are we doing this? Okay then.

Jaya: That happened to me in France with a French guy, and I made the biggest American idiot of myself.

Memorial Day

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MemorialDay

We love New Yorkers because they do what they can with the space they have.

Don’t forget that while we might be celebrating the beginning of summer and going to the beaches, BBQs, and picnics, that Memorial Day exists to remember soldiers who have died. So try to be sensitive around people for whom this holiday is not a light-hearted three day weekend.

As a housekeeping note, Jaya is traveling and Victoria is moving apartments over the next few weeks so we are going to be a bit light on content or rerunning old posts.  But we will be back with great new stuff very soon! And we will be celebrating our two year anniversary in the next month! So get excited!

In the meantime, check out our Twitter and Instagram for extra opinions and etiquette related stuff!

Wedding +1s Can Be Kinda Awkward!

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plusone

All the plus ones

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

I have a two part question about plus one’s at a wedding. 1) Can you bring a platonic +1 to a wedding? 2) Can you bring someone as your +1 who the bride and groom are friends with but didn’t invite to the wedding?

Sincerely,

Lonely Wedding Guest

Official Etiquette:

Couples should never issue a plus one as “Your Name +1”. It leads to exactly these type of situations. Instead, the couple should call up their single guest and inquire if there is anyone in particular they would like to bring to the wedding. Then they should issue the invitation as “Your Name and Your Guest’s Name.”

Our Take:

Victoria: Ooooh that’s a tricky one. I think a platonic +1 is fine. Although it does seem like a lot of people think you should only bring a “date” and like, bringing your mom would be weird.

Jaya: Yeah, the whole point is it’s up to the guest to decide. People should get over the “date” thing. Unless there’s a name on the invite, if it just says +1 you’re leaving it up to them to decide.

Victoria: Yeah, I mean that’s why you shouldn’t give a generic +1, you should ask if there is anyone they would like to bring to the wedding and then send an invitation with their name.

Jaya: Yeah, you can’t just assume they’ll bring their boyfriend or something. Maybe they want to bring their plumber.

Victoria: Although, I suppose then you put yourself in an awkward situation if they say, yes, I want to bring my mom and you’re like errr. And to the second part, I think it way trickier, because it can kind of feel like, okay, the bride and groom made a decision not to invite this person, and now I’m going to sneak them in with my +1. It’s way weird.

Jaya: Absolutely, and you never really know what the thing is. Like maybe they just ran out of room and are really upset they couldn’t invite this person, and are going to be super excited that they can do it. Or maybe it was for a reason and they wanted to send a clear message and now that’s messed up.

Victoria: Yeah, I do think if you are going to do something like that, you should run it by the bride and groom first. Be like, “I know you didn’t invite [NAME[ but I’d like to bring him as my plus one, but of course I understand if you would rather I pick someone else.” Although, you are still putting the couple on the spot. And if they don’t want to explain why they didn’t invite the person, then they are going to be really uncomfortable.

Jaya: Yeah, but like, as the couple you’re gonna have to deal with that. That’s what you get for +1s.

Victoria: Haha yeah, +1s are a weird thing anyway. Like it assumes that grown adults can’t be in public without a romantic “date.” Like it kind of reminds me of when my parents were young and like, you HAD to take a date to everything so you would scrounge up whoever was available. For me, people should only really do +1s for guests who are not going to know anyone at the wedding but the one or both members of the couple. (Definitely check to find out if anyone is in a relationship you didn’t know about though!)

Jaya: Yeah! It really is a relic. And I think people think they’re being nice by including a +1 but so often it can just be a source of stress. Either you feel like now you have to find a date or it’s like, the person you are dating isn’t considered seriously enough to get invited on their own.

Victoria: Yeah! The pressure to find a date is crazy. Like, why would I want to hang out with someone I’m going to have to entertain rather than just hang out with all the friends I have who are already at the wedding? And there’s nothing more annoying than that friend who you never get to see who brings a date to the wedding and spends the whole time with the date instead of catching up with everyone. I mean, choose your choices, but still.

Jaya: Yesssss, like, now you gotta make sure this person is having a good time, and you feel like a babysitter.

Victoria: Yep, just go and be freeeee. not to mention what if your date gets drunk and obnoxious?!?!

Jaya: Omgggggg, and you’re that person who brought that asshole.

Victoria: I brought a relative stranger to a sorority formal once and he got drunk and obnoxious and I almost DIED of embarrassment. That was freshman year and I never brought a date-date again. You were my date one year and you were a lovely date!

Jaya: I feel like I’m a pretty chill date.

Job Interview Follow-Ups

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T for Thank You

T for Thank You

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

After a job interview, when you’re sending follow up/thank you emails, can you send the same one to everyone you interviewed with? I had an interview yesterday with three people. Do they each get a different note?

Sincerely,

Copy and Pasting

 

Victoria: I would strongly recommend making it slightly different for each.

Jaya: Yeah.

Victoria: Because I am sure they compare. But like, they don’t have to be THAT different, just not copy and pasted.

Jaya: Absolutely, that makes sense.

Victoria: If they is any way to mention something unique in each note that is tailored to something you talked to each person about then that’s especially great, but of course, not necessary.

Can I Turn Down The Job Of Being A Bridesmaid?

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Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

Can you turn down being a bridesmaid and still be friends with the person? I still love her and want to go to the wedding but don’t know how to turn her down. It’s far away from my hometown so it’d be too expensive for me, plus I don’t know her fiance or anyone else in the wedding party that well, and I’m prone to social anxiety in these sorts of situations.

Best,

Not The Best Bridesmaid

TRADITIONAL ETIQUETTE

Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette suggests you take great care in choosing attendants. “Participating in someone else’s wedding is both a pleasure and a responsibility,” and you should consider if this person is reliable, considerate, courteous and fun. The book also brings up “the number of prewedding events requiring a financial contribution or gift seems to be on the rise,” and that “people in their twenties and thirties may find themselves invited to attend or participate in several weddings in the same year,” so to keep that in mind when asking people to participate in yours. However, there is no explicit advice on how to say no to that request.

OUR TAKE 

Jaya: This is a great question, because as much as we’re like “turn down being a bridesmaid if you can’t do it!” we haven’t actually spoken about how to do that, or what the likely ramifications are.

Victoria: It’s a hard thing, and it definitely depends on the reason.

Jaya: To me there are two categories of reasons: circumstantial and, I guess, non-circumstantial. Some people would want to be a bridesmaid, but it’s too expensive, or they don’t have the time, or something like that. And some people, if they had all the money and time and freedom in the world, would just not want to be a bridesmaid. Here it seems like a little of both.

Victoria: If she does want to be a bridesmaid but there are these obstacles, sometimes they can be worked around. So let’s go on the assumption that in her gut she just doesn’t want to do it. I always assume that brides and grooms will be reasonable about this stuff, but that is not true.

Jaya: A lot of people see their wedding party as the ultimate expression of friendship, even though being a good friend and being a good bridesmaid are very different skill sets! And even within being a bridesmaid, there’s a difference between being good at helping plan a wedding and being able to afford to attend four different parties.

Victoria: I mean, I think you should stay away from making excuses like “it’s too far away” or “too expensive,” unless those are the only hurdles. Because you run the risk of the bride negotiating with you about that stuff.

Jaya: Right. I mean, if that’s your only hurdle, fine. But if you really don’t want to be a bridesmaid and you try to get out of it by saying “I can’t afford it” and the bride offers to pay for all your flights, then you’re stuck with having to say “well actually, it’s just that I don’t want to do it.” And that’s part of what you have to figure out yourself.

Victoria: I think you need to have a heart to heart with the bride, say you love her and want to support her, but being a bridesmaid is not something you think you can do, and that you’d better support her as a guest.

Jaya: Yes, and perhaps offering something in return, like helping to craft stuff. I think the best outcome is not you turning it down, but having a talk and you coming to a mutual agreement that this isn’t the best job for you. But again, easier said than done.

Victoria: If pressed maybe you can bring up the money and anxieties, but maybe just say something like “You know me so well, and we’re close enough that you’d ask me to be a bridesmaid, but since we’re so close you know that this kind of thing just isn’t my thing, and I don’t want to be the kind of bridesmaid that disappoints you.” And if they take it the wrong way and can’t understand that, maybe it’s not a great friendship.

Jaya: That’s great, though I imagine a lot of people would press for further details. Just like, “I don’t want to be a bridesmaid” quickly followed by “Why not?” A lot of people just won’t take “it’s not my thing” for an answer. Because the other side of this is thinking about the compromises you make for friendship. Given the choice, no, on most days I do not get up at 7am to get my makeup done and put on a dress I spent $200 on, even though when I’ve been a bridesmaid I had a blast most of the time. You do it because you want to support your friend. Like anything there are parts that are a hassle and parts that are fun, and it’s a balance of what you know you can do that’ll make them (and sometimes you) happy, and what’s too much.

Victoria: If people are just ambivalent about it, I’d encourage them to suck it up and do it. But if you’re dead set against it, you should bow out instead of participating and just being a downer the whole time. And you can even try to negotiate yourself. Maybe say, like, “I want to support you but in this time in my life, the only thing I can do is stand up with you on the day, and if that is fine with you, I’d be happy to accept.”

Jaya: I think there are three stages to this, possibly. The initial rejection, the minor explanation, and then the firm no. Like, “I’m sorry, I love you but I don’t think being a bridesmaid is the right job for me, but I’m so happy for you and can’t wait to celebrate with you on the day.” Which can possibly be followed by “why don’t you think you’d be good as a bridesmaid?” To which you’d have to explain…something. And this depends on whether you just flat out don’t want to be a bridesmaid, or if you would were it not for money/travel/time.

Victoria: Or if you admit that you have crippling social anxiety and this would just not be good for you.

Jaya: Yeah, and ideally that’ll end the conversation, but of course some people won’t take no for an answer, which is where we move into the firm no/possible friendship strain.

Victoria: At that point, you probably just keep repeating that it’s not possible for you to be a bridesmaid, and that’s your final answer.

Jaya: Yes, and realize that no matter how careful you are and how much you make it about your issues, not theirs, there are people who will see this as a major blow.

Victoria: Which is why you shouldn’t do it lightly.

Jaya: And you know your friends best, you know who would possibly take it well and who wouldn’t.

Victoria: And if they take it really badly, maybe they’re not a great friend. I mean, I would feel terrible if I put a friend through a huge financial and emotional burden just for the sake of them standing next to me on this day.

Jaya: I guess it just comes back to our standard advice that both sides should be reasonable. If you’re a bride, try to understanding and not ask too much, or understanding if what you consider normal is “too much” for someone else. And if you’re a potential bridesmaid, understand that you’re going to take on some extra stuff in your life for the sake of a good friend, and weigh what you can handle and what you can’t.