Author Archives: Uncommon Courtesy

How Many Wedding Gifts is Enough?

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BridesmaidsDear Uncommon Courtesy,

I know that the wedding gift question is always done to death but since it is such a quagmire I thought I would throw another one in the mix. I am a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding for which I will have to travel a few hours. I have also traveled for her bridal shower and her bachelorette evening. For both events, I helped pay for the events themselves and bought small gifts (lingerie and coffee mugs). The wedding websites tell me that I am also expected to buy a wedding present and I feel like my friend is expecting one. I am not married and not expecting to get married which is making this whole experience feel very unbalanced. I have already spent a ton of money on my friend. How do I politely get out of purchasing yet another thing for this wedding?

Sincerely,
Broke Bridesmaid

Victoria: Okay, so first let’s talk about how ridic this all is

Jaya: Hahahah

Victoria: Like, bridesmaids shouldn’t have to plan and pay for BOTH a bachelorette and a shower.

Jaya: Yeah, like here’s a rundown of the average bridesmaid expenses now: dress, shoes, travel/accommodations to wedding, possible travel/accommodations to bachelorette party, AND gift? I know this is the “norm” now but let’s go on the record saying it shouldn’t be.

Victoria: It should not be! And if we get any questions from any brides asking how can they kindly ask their bridesmaids why they didn’t send a gift after doing all this stuff, we will very politely discuss how they are incredibly wrong and selfish and then mock them (just a heads up).

Jaya: Hahaha, of course.

Victoria: So my advice to this bridesmaid is to not send a wedding gift. Write a very nice and heartfelt card instead.

Jaya: Yes, that sounds good. Okay, so the tricky thing is that no, you are never obligated to give a gift at any point, no matter what your relationship to the wedding, but people have weird expectations now.

Victoria: That’s true, but I mean, honestly, the only way we are going to get past this is by just not doing it.

Jaya: Yeah

Victoria: If bridesmaids would just put their stylishly-clad-in-matching-shoes feet down and say, “I’m sorry, but attending both your wedding and your bachelorette in Vegas and your hometown shower is too much for me”…then people wouldn’t start getting all these expectations.

Jaya: That’s a good point! And it’s hard! Weddings are an emotional time, and nobody wants to be the one to hurt the bride’s feelings. So I think a lot of times the wedding party just becomes total pushovers.

Victoria: Yeah (and trust us, this is hard for us too!!!). I’d love to see more brides sitting down with their maids and being like, look. “My wedding is out of town for all of you, so I don’t want you to plan any kind of out of town bachelorette or shower or anything.”

And grooms, too, I guess.

Jaya: Right. I think half of this is people not even knowing that their expectations are out of line, just because they see what everyone else has. Like, blogs show you fun bachelorette parties in Vegas, and you assume a bachelorette party in Vegas is the standard. When that might not work for your circumstances.

Victoria: Yesss, like, maybe I should create some kind of spreadsheet? Like with formulas of: your friends estimated incomes, the estimated expense of the dress/shoes, estimated expense of travel/lodging for the wedding, and the total shouldn’t be more than like .25% of the bridesmaids estimated income?

Jaya: Victoria, why are your solutions always spreadsheets?

Victoria: Lol, because I am a neeeeerd.

Jaya: I think just better communication can help, and more understanding if your bridesmaids just aren’t the type to be able to afford/want to pay for a big trip or a designer dress.

Victoria: And really listen to what they are saying! If they seem less than enthusiastic, back down, way way down!

Jaya: Yes! If you’re the one getting married, they probably want to make you happy, but you don’t want that to make them go into debt.

Victoria: Or from the beginning, ask them what they think a reasonable price for the BM dress is (and stick to it!!)

And like, everyone’s always saying “oh tradition…”

But TRADITIONALLY, the brides family was supposed to either let the bridal party stay in their home or pay

for their lodging. And no one does that anymore. And yet now brides get showers AND bachelorette parties.

Jaya: Right, and TRADITIONALLY the bridesmaids planned the bachelorette party without the bride saying “hey let’s all go to the Bahamas”

Victoria: Haha yeah. Or the one super rich bridesmaid suggesting that.

Jaya: I always think of the movie Bridesmaids with that, where everyone else can afford Vegas and first class and Kristen Wiig is stuck in the back.

Victoria: Yeaaaaah, that’s no bueno.

Jaya: And I liked a lot of that movie, but also I just wanted to be like MAYA RUDOLPH, YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND IS GOING THROUGH HARD TIMES, GET EVERYONE TO TONE IT DOWN.

Victoria: Seriously!

I mean, things should be toned down anyway, probably.

Like do you really need to spend an entire weekend?

Like, how about a nice dinner and some drinks?

Especially the older you are…its just not as fun to go clubbing and wear penis hats as when you were 23.

Jaya: So, back to the issue at hand. Let’s say the LW takes our advice and sends a nice card and then, worst case scenario, the couple is like “where is our gift?”

What do you say?

Besides “fuck off”

Victoria: You could passive aggressively send them an uncommon courtesy link!

But also I would say “Sally, I went to considerable time and effort and spent a very large amount of money

being in your wedding, planning and attending your bachelorette and shower, and buying gifts for those parties. I would have hoped that you realized that that WAS my gift to you and frankly, I am a little hurt that you don’t consider it to be enough.”

Jaya: Just to wrap it up, you’re not obligated to get a gift, especially if you’ve spent your money/time on doing other wedding stuff, and anyone who tries to make you feel guilty for that can shove it.

What Are My Responsibilities Towards My Roommate’s Cat?

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Why don't we teach our cats to throw up in the toilet?

Why don’t we teach our cats to throw up in the toilet?

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

My roommate has a cat who sometimes vomits and less often … poops … around the apartment. Sometimes when this happens I am the only one home, or the first to find the pile. Am I being an asshole for ignoring it? It’s not my cat! It’s disgusting! There is cat shit on the bathmat at this very moment!

Okay I’m probably an asshole. Please tell me what the right thing is to do here. If I clean it, is there a way to tell my roommate without being sanctimonious? She can’t control her cat’s bodily functions.

Thanks for your advice. In the meantime I’m sucking it up and putting on gloves.

Sincerely,

Disgusted

Victoria: So I totally think she is well within her rights not to do any cleanup. Roommate’s cat, roommate’s problem. (For the record, I have a cat AND a roommate and I do everything except when she kindly feeds him when I go out of town.)

But, obviously, if its in your way, it behooves you to clean it up.

Jaya: Right. And it reminded me of something Jolie wrote about at some point, about living with someone and cleaning duties. Because people have different clean thresholds, but it’s unfair for the person who wants things cleaner to have to pick up that slack all the time.

Victoria: Yesssss…that’s my curse, always, haha.

Jaya: Okay it’s not a direct analogy but like, you can protest and be like “no I will not clean this up,” but then you’re living in a house full of cat shit.

Victoria: And you should definitely insist that roommate picks up after her cat as soon as she gets home.

Also! Cat vomit is just a fact of life with cats.

But the pooping thing is concerning

Jaya: Yeah, take that cat to a vet!

Victoria: It’s either because the litter box is dirty or because the roommate is ignoring the cat and the cat is seeking attention.

Or yeah, go to the vet.

But that’s not okay, and the writer should definitely address it with the roommate.

Also, a thing with cats, is sometimes it is best to just remove temptation than get mad that cat is ruining your stuff.

For example, my extremely lovely cat likes to pee on the bathmat. It just feels good on his paws or something!

So I hang the bathmat over the curtain rod when I am done using it. As a bonus, it stays cleaner and fresher longer!

Jaya: Hah! Very practical.

Victoria: But obviously that is easier with some things than others.

Jaya: Right. Yeah I think here, if it’s in a high traffic area and your roommate is not gonna be home for a long time, you should probably clean it up for your own sanity.

But if it’s a matter of your roommate coming home, seeing cat vomit, and doing nothing about it, that’s a problem

Victoria Pratt: Yeah, for me its definitely more of an issue of whether the roommate is dealing with the situation when she

gets there or not. But this writer is totally NOT a jerk for letting the roommate deal with it.

Jaya: Definitely not. Cats are the jerks for not cleaning it up themselves.

Victoria: Yessss, but they do give us fuzzy cuddles, so wash.

Oh also! I think that when you sign up to live with someone who has a pet, you are signing up for all the annoyances that sometimes come with a pet. And if you prefer to not have those annoyances, you should not live with someone with a pet.

Though it sounds like this person is pretty reasonable about it.

Jaya: Right. And this can’t always be avoided. Good roommates are hard to come by. But pets make noise and shed and vomit sometimes. It just comes with having one around.

Victoria: Yep, the cat is your roommate too! And its probably better than someone’s annoying boyfriend who never leaves.

Jaya: If you ever have to clean up your roommate’s vomit that’s another story.

Victoria: Hahaha, I mean, if the roommate is very, very ill, it would be a nice gesture!

Jaya: Would it be a crazy rule to set that, if you clean your roommate’s vomit, they have to pay your rent for a month?

Victoria: Lol noooo. That’s a lot of money. And, like, you can’t put a price on human kindness, JAYA.

Jaya: I can. It’s rent for vomit.

Victoria: Hahaha, I would have a different attitude about drunk vomit vs illness vomit.

Jaya: Hmm, I guess. Though it doesn’t make it any less gross to clean it up.

Victoria: True, but you are cleaning it up out of a great sense of pity.

Jaya: Like again if the cat was sick or if it just ate its food too fast like an idiot

Victoria: hahahahahahaha

 

(Ed: To our letter writer, we realized we never answered your question about how to tell your roommate if you did clean up. You definitely should mention it, just be like “oh by the way, Snookers threw up again. I cleaned it up but I wanted you to know in case it becomes something you need to take him to the vet for.”)

 

More Wedding Guest List Woes

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Not everyone wants a 500 person wedding!

Not everyone wants a 500 person wedding!

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

My son and his fiancé are adamant about keeping a tight rein on their guest list. They do not want a large wedding and they have a finite number they want to invite.  My husband and I agree and support their decision. 

One of my cousins desperately wants her son to attend and he’s just not on the list.  Now the suggestion is that he’s a substitute for someone else in the family who can’t attend.  How do I politely say there’s no substitution.  My son and fiancé have other friends they want to move up to fill the spot.  They are not giving automatic “plus 1” invites.
Thanks!

Groom’s mom

 

Victoria: As a person who has planned a wedding, why don’t you start?

Jaya: So, I think we can all agree that, while you might be disappointed at not receiving an invitation to an event, trying to coerce your way in, ESPECIALLY after one of the planners has said no, is just not a good look. And kudos to this mother of the groom for supporting her kid and backing them up on this.

Victoria: Yes!

Jaya: It’s hard, because it’s family so you really don’t want hurt feelings, but I think reiterating that they’re keeping the wedding small, and that while you’re very sorry, the answer is no, is about all you can do. And you may just have to accept that the cousin is going to be pouty about it for some time.

Victoria: Yeah, I think you don’t want to try to explain or make excuses. Just keep repeating, “I’m sorry, but we can’t accommodate him.”

Jaya: Right, making excuses just opens up more negotiating.

Victoria: Yeah, and hurt feelings of friends being invited over family, etc.

Jaya: And you want to make it clear this is non-negotiable.

Victoria: Aaybe once you repeat it a couple of times say “Cousin, I’m sorry, but I have already explained multiple times that we will not be able to accommodate your son. I will not discuss the subject further.”

Jaya: Yes. And yeah, weddings make emotions run high. You may be risking pissing this cousin off a lot, or the cousin holding a grudge for a very long time, but if your son has made that choice and you’re supporting him, that’s how it’ll be.

Victoria: Yeah

Jaya: It always baffles me, the lack of self awareness some people have about this stuff.

Victoria: I know.

Jaya: I obviously don’t know their family situation, but I’m not super close with most of my parents’ cousin’s kids!

Victoria: Hahaha yeah, me either.

Jaya: And just, the reaction that not getting invited to a wedding is the end of the world. And begging to get in.

Victoria: I’m interested to see if there is a shift when our generation are the parents of the couple, since we have seen a shift in weddings from being about the whole extended family and kinship/business circles to being more centered on the close relationships of the couple/the couple paying for a bigger portion vs the parents of the bride being the sole payers and hosts.

Jaya: Yeah, that will be interesting. Because right, for so long it was a party thrown for the bride and groom, not by them, and thus usually up to the parents who to invite.

Victoria: Yep, so all the aunts and cousins and stuff expected to be invited. Whereas when we are the older generation, we might not be as focused on that (but maybe it’s an old people thing, who knows?)

Jaya: Even within our generation it’s interesting to see the breakdown, between weddings where it seems like the couple got to invite a lot of their friends, or weddings where the parents got control of the guest list and there weren’t many friends.

Victoria: Haha yeah.

Jaya: It’s still such a cultural difference, depending on where you were raised, whether your family is all in one area, and your religions/traditions.

Victoria: Yeah, and even just individual family traditions.

Jaya: But even then, even if you grew up down the street from your 2nd cousin and have known him all your life, you’re still not obligated. This question is really sticking with me. I cannot fathom a situation in which, after being told that there is no room for me, I try to continue to make room for myself.

Victoria: Yeah, it’s absolutely mind boggling. Like, you just don’t try to negotiate invitations.

Jaya: Because then what, you’re there, and the bride and groom have in their mind everything you’ve done to get there when they’re interacting with you.

Victoria: I do kind of feel like with unreasonable people its probably better to just separate yourself from them, even if you are related. I mean, it depends on your family and blah blah blah, but by the time you are old enough to have a kid who is getting married, you probably aren’t going to be forced to interact with your cousins that much! Like, your grandparents and parents/aunts/uncles are probably dead or about to be, and those family ties tend to be easier to sever the farther apart everyone gets.

Jaya: Right. At some point those relationships pass to the next generation. And at this point, you’re talking about the relationship between your son and your cousin’s kid, who I’ll assume are closer in age. And if they haven’t forged that relationship on their own, that’s their business. This is also an instance where I hope, going forward, weddings become less of a *thing*. Treating them like the MOST IMPORTANT EVENT EVER makes people act crazy when they’re not present.

Victoria: Haha yeah, it’s weird, I feel like for a loooong time they weren’t a big thing. And then they became a HUGE thing.

Jaya: Right! Maybe that’s just because we’re in the thick of wedding age right now? But yeah, not getting in invitation turns into this huge personal affront instead of like, just not being invited to one thing.

Victoria: Yeah, I also have found it so freeing to turn down invitations. I have a rule that I am not getting on an airplane for someone I wouldn’t get on an airplane to see just for a visit.

Jaya: That’s a good rule!

Victoria: Yeah! So like limited to really close friends and my cousins/sister (who are awesome). Although, I suppose if it was a cool destination and a lot of other people I knew were going, that might make it worth it.

Jaya: Yeah, I mean obviously use your discretion. If it’s someone you like reasonably well and you can afford flying to Hawaii, go for it!

How to Respond to Unsolicited Career Advice

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Unsolicited advice giver

Unsolicited advice giver

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

In the past week or so, I’ve gotten a number of emails and tweets from people offering unsolicited career advice. The messages have been quite hurtful, actually! They’ve been condescending, unhelpful and demoralizing. And also infuriating: I’m aghast at the entitlement these people are demonstrating in thinking that it’s acceptable to burst into my inbox uninvited and start offering their opinions on what I’m doing wrong with my work.

I would love to have a perfect response to someone’s unsolicited advice that firmly, but politely, indicates that they should shove it. Whatcha got for me?

xx Doing Quite Well, Actually

Victoria: JFC

Jaya: Yeahhhhh. For reference, the LW has the type of public job where people would actually think to do this. I have so many thoughts on this. There seem to be stages here, based on if/how well you know the person emailing, and how much you feel like dealing with it. There is always the option of not responding, especially if it’s a one time thing from a stranger, if you just don’t have the bandwidth.

Victoria: Yeah, you never have to respond to an unsolicited email from someone you don’t know!

Jaya: Totally. But yeah, she seems like she wants to respond, and I think it depends on if she knows the emailer or not. If not, the first go I think can be like “I’m trying a lot of things out with my career and am making decisions I feel comfortable with.” Is that too oblique?

Victoria: I think that’s good! Or even just, “So far, my work has been very successful where it is and the things I’m trying have been rewarding experiences, so while I appreciate you taking the time to reach out, I am handling things fine on my own.” I don’t know if I would ever have the guts to say that though.

Jaya: Yeah, I think that’s definitely for 1. someone you know or 2. someone who didn’t get the hint with the first email. Or even something like “While I’m sure you were just trying to help, it comes off as condescending when you offer me unsolicited career advice.”

Victoria: Oooh yes, that’s very good, very strong.

Jaya: I think if they continue bitching after that you’ve earned the right to say whatever you damn want to them.

Victoria; Hahah yeah. Just say “I am not interested in discussing this any further. Now, tell me about your trip to Timbuktu.”

Jaya: Also, don’t offer people unsolicited advice! Ugh this is a huge peeve of mine. Because half the time it’s like, no shit, you think I haven’t attempted that avenue before? Like, unless you’re offering something constructive, like “Hey, I think your writing would be great for X site and I am good friends with the editor, let me know if you want me to put you in touch,” just don’t.

Victoria: Especially in trying to break into media and stuff, like, “yes, maybe I would like to be an etiquette superstar, do you happen to have any useful contacts i could reach out to?”

Jaya: And maybe don’t even offer to put people into contact with people you know.

Victoria : Oh, I think that is nice! Offering contacts gently is great, unless its like, say for Fox News,

Jaya: Hahahaha, delete all your Fox News contacts.

Victoria: Or some other place that would be very inappropriate for your type of work. But yeah, contacts are how people make careers and that is really the only advice you should offer! Unless you happen to be at the top of the career that person is aiming for. But presumably you would actually know the kind of advice that would be actually helpful!

Jaya: But yeah, telling someone what they should be doing with their career without them asking, and without knowing what they’ve already done/are trying to do, is super rude.

Victoria: Yes, and while you can’t answer rudeness with rudeness, you can certainly be firm or just ignore them.

How Many Thank Yous for Baby Gifts?

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Embed from Getty Images
Dear Uncommon Courtesy,
I am in the final weeks awaiting the arrival of my first child. My Aunt sent us gifts early in the pregnancy for our baby and we sent a thank you note promptly. She has since sent another round of gifts and I’m not sure if a second thank you note is required? Apparently, she also intends to send us a quilt, so should I wait for that? What’s the etiquette here for many gifts with months in between… ? 

Thanks, guys!

Victoria: So with the baby gifts, I think you should just go ahead and send a note for each gift that arrives, even if you know that there are more coming. Thank you notes take almost no time, I wrote one today in about two minutes.

Jaya: That’s true, though I think it’s kind of strange for the aunt to be sending “rounds” of gifts. My idea would be that the first ty note is nice, and for subsequent gifts close together, a phone call would do? Because maybe it was something like the Aunt bought a bunch of stuff on Amazon and they sent them out when they were in-stock, so they’re coming piecemeal.

Victoria: Oooh yeah, that’s a good idea. Although, people get even more zany about babies than they do about weddings, so she might just be going overboard.

Jaya: That’s true, but also I’d hope that, as stressed as married couples are, people know pregnant people are even more stressed, and maybe don’t feel like writing notes all the time. Though yeah, it doesn’t take long. I mean obviously if you want to handwrite a note for everything go ahead.

Victoria: It really doesn’t, and you probably aren’t getting that many gifts. I would def send a note for a handmade gift like a quilt though. My mom does a lot of beautifully crafted handmade gifts and she gets super annoyed when she doesn’t get properly thanked for them.

Jaya: Yeah. It certainly depends on the gift. But if you get a pack and play and send a note for that, and then two weeks later get some onesies, I think you can phone it. And just be thankful for how generous the person is being.

Victoria: Yessss, definitely. and like, again, when baby is born, maybe send a quick email with a photo of them using the gift. It is fairly low effort and you are probably taking a million pictures of baby anyway.