Author Archives: Jaya Saxena

Twitter RTs Are Not A Matter Of Etiquette

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I can’t believe I’m actually writing this.

Last Wednesday, Vulture published an essay asking “Does Retweeting Praise Make You A Monster?” It outlines certain rules that have gone unspoken on the social media platform Twitter, but that everyone seems to get very opinionated about, from “don’t steal jokes” to “if someone follows you, you must follow them back.” But one idea that a number of people seem to think is a massive “breach of etiquette” is retweeting praise about yourself.

Author Adam Sternbergh thankfully concludes that it’s a bit of a silly idea, but not before spending a couple thousand words asking various writers and Twitter personalities about the subject. The statement that caught me was by novelist Gabriel Roth, who said:

“I think of Twitter as a cocktail party, and a certain amount of subtle bragging and self-advancement is acceptable at a cocktail party but if you show up and just stand there holding a big poster advertising your book, who’s going to invite you back? Imagine meeting someone at a party who opened a conversation with, ‘This fellow Larry Smidgen from Minneapolis says my book is laugh-out-loud funny — but also surprisingly moving!’”

What struck me is that I’ve heard this comparison of Twitter to a cocktail party before. People have expressed joy at it being a place to mingle, to make jokes, to meet new people and talk about new ideas–that sounds like a great cocktail party to me. But I don’t quite think all the rules of a cocktail party work. After all, in a cocktail party it’s harder to enter or exit a conversation. There’s body language to pay attention to. There are things, for better or worse, that you would say on the Internet, at arms-length from any immediate reaction, that you may not say to someone’s face. It may feel like a party sometimes, but it’s also an entirely different way of having a conversation.

For instance, you can’t retweet anything in a face to face conversation.

Despite having social media platforms like this for well over a decade, many people still operate under the impression that people are always their true selves online. That you are speaking to a person, and not that person’s crafted, representative self. How distant that crafted self is from their true self is different depending on the topic and on the person, but the performative aspect requires at least a second of thought and craft to whatever message one writes, whether it’s about your baby’s first tooth or your new book. People also forget that this is fluid. Twitter may be your personal confession booth one day, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be your publicity platform the next.

Editor Kurt Andersen said in the piece that “it’s a matter of not overdoing it.” I admit having been annoyed when my feed is filled with 50 retweets from the same person, whatever the subject, just as I would be if someone dominated the conversation at a cocktail party. The difference is that online, I can close the tab.

Thank Goodness Prohibition Happened And Gave Us These Modern Drinking Habits

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As much as the idea of prohibition seems ridiculous to me now, over the years I’ve come to appreciate the fact that it was enforced in America from 1919-1933. In the 1820s, Americans drank about four gallons of 200 proof alcohol per capita.That is far too much alcohol, you guys! Yes, banning it and sending unregulated production underground was not a good idea, but it basically halved our alcohol consumption once it was legal again. Plus it paved the way for all sorts of innovation in cocktails since the bootleg liquor was so gross. It wasn’t for nothing.

In Perfect Behavior (a parody etiquette guide published 1922) by Donald Ogden Stewart, the chapter “The Etiquette of Dinners and Balls” suggests some opening lines to get conversation going. For instance, when cocktails are served, you may remark on how terrible the gin is, and then offer the tidbit “Senator Volstead [of the Volstead Act, aka The National Prohibition Act] was born Sept. 4 1869.” Stewart also jokes about alcohol consumption in “Etiquette for Dry Agents”:

In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over the success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal popularity of the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite of the fact that it is now almost impossible to obtain in any of our ex saloons anything in the least resembling whiskey or gin,– there still remains the distressing suspicion that quite possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of our more socially prominent people, liquor–or its equivalent–is openly being served. . . .The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry agent is too little versed in customs and manners of polite society. It is lamentably true that too often has a carefully planned society dry raid been spoiled because the host noticed that one of his guests was wearing white socks with a black tie, or that the intruder was using his dessert spoon on the hors d’oeuvres.

That’s just some beautiful backhanded insulting right there. He goes on to suggest that we need to attract a higher class of dry agent, which may be difficult, given that most preparatory schools teach young men to frown upon “pussyfooting and sneaking.”

Some etiquette books of the time suggested hosts obey the law and serve nonalcoholic drinks at parties, but according to Spirits of Defiance: National Prohibition and Jazz Age Literature, 1920-1933, most people treated hosts who didn’t serve alcohol as “uncouth, emasculating, or even cowardly.” Perfect Behavior suggests that alcohol consumption was a bit of an open secret. When I worked at the New-York Historical Society we presented an exhibition on beer and brewing in New York. During prohibition, many breweries were forced to close or make non-alcoholic malt tonics. One brewing company found a way to help get alcohol into the hands of consumers with a sneaky advisory on the label: “Caution: Do not ferment, do not add yeast, or you will create beer.”

If our depictions of the Roaring 20s are to be believed, Prohibition just made alcohol cool, along with creating a culture of concealment and necessity. If there was alcohol around, you better drink as much as you can, because you don’t know when you’ll be drinking again. According to No Nice Girl Swears by Alice-Leone Moats (published in 1933), this actually meant that learning how to deal with drunk people became part of common culture. “When our mothers came out, learning to handle a drunk was not an essential part of a debutante’s education,” she wrote. “Now every girl has to be capable not only of shifting for herself, but, more often than not, of looking out for her escort as well.” This was doubly true because most speakeasies were co-ed, whereas before prohibition bars and saloons had been strictly for men. According to the Encyclopedia of Chicago, “Enforcement of the Volstead Act diminished the prominence of all-male saloons and unintentionally encouraged the development of more expensive speakeasies patronized by men and women. After repeal, heterosocial drinking patterns persisted.”

Prohibition may have also created one of my favorite types of get togethers–the cocktail party. Now merely having alcohol was cause for celebration, and guests may be so excited by it that a sit-down dinner is not required. “Cocktail parties have become the line of least resistance in entertaining. They are convenient for the person who must get 50 or 60 people off the list of obligations and prefers to do it at one fell swoop, saving money at the same time. It certainly isn’t much trouble; all you need is a case of synthetic gin and a tin of anchovy paste. The greater the number of the guests, the smaller and more airless the room, the stronger the gin, the more successful the party. But if you give one, you must be prepared to have your friends on your hands until two in the morning, as they will invariably forget their dinner engagements and stay on until the last shakerful is emptied.”

Nowadays if you drink alcohol, things like cocktail parties, women in bars, and heterosocial drinking are all taken for granted. So is the idea that, even if you get completely shitfaced, you should probably be a little discreet about it. And for that we have Prohibition to thank! Just please, never again.

How To Throw A Good Party

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The older I get, the more I’m surprised at the number of people who have made it to adulthood without knowing how to throw a half-decent party. Because yes, you can send the invitations and buy the beer, but that doesn’t mean people will end up enjoying themselves. It’s almost Christmas, so you may be in the midst of setting up your very own party right now! Here are some of our tips on how to throw one that people will be excited to attend.

1. BE CHILL: In our post on how to be a good host, we mention the importance of being gracious. You never want to make your guests feel like their presence is a burden for you (especially if you’re the one who invited them!). The way you execute this will be different depending on the type of party you’re hosting. If you’re hosting a dinner party, find dishes you can make ahead or order out one or two things so you’re not spending all your time stressed in the kitchen. If it’s a potluck, make sure you’re not getting 12 potato dishes, but let your friends make what they want to make. Most people have a better time if it’s a little more free-flowing.

2. Music: Have you ever been to a fun party where there is no music playing? If you have, please comment and tell us how this was accomplished, because in my opinion nothing kills a party faster than when there’s a lull in the conversation and you’re left with absolute silence. If you’re having a party where people are dancing obviously music is important, but don’t discount it as filler noise when people are just getting into conversations. And unless you trust all the guests’ music tastes, make sure there’s one person in charge. Otherwise that one person whose idea of a good time is Papa Roach B-sides WILL be taking over your iPod.

3. Activities: If you want to have specific activities like watching a movie or playing board games, definitely include that in the invitation. Springing things like that on a group is definitely a “know your audience” thing. Some people will be totally down for an impromptu game of charades, others will just see it as forced fun, and an interruption to the perfectly fine time they were having before.

4. Food and Drink: Again, the availability here will depend on what kind of party you’re having, but plan on having at least something for everyone, whether it’s a cheese plate and some wine or a keg and order-out pizza. Unfortunately, this is where I see most hosts stressing themselves out, either trying to provide every single option or haranguing their guests to show up with something. Remember, most guests will show up with something without you reminding them! I can’t remember the last time I hosted a party where most of my guests didn’t offer to bring food, alcohol or something else before I even got the chance to ask for it.

Time To Bring Back These Cleanliness Tips

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Personal grooming is a large part of modern etiquette, which is something I have mixed feelings about. We’re always taught not to judge a book by it’s cover, but nobody wants to read a book that clearly hasn’t showered in four days. And then you get into the hole of realizing our cleanliness standards stem from the rich, who’ve had the most access to baths/perfumes/other grooming tools, and having access to hot water is already a hurdle in so many places, not to mention dental care and other things we consider “basics,” and okay I’m getting ahead of myself. Our cleanliness standards may have gotten a little too elaborate, but yes, everyone likes someone who makes the effort to bathe regularly.

The New York Fashion Bazar Book of Etiquette has some tips on how to achieve cleanliness, many of which sound pretty good today. Wash at least your face and hands every day, change your underwear often, and don’t forget to clean your underarms. But remember, “In the street cars, railways, omnibuses, and at churches and theaters the vast numbers of unwashed persons make themselves odious to their neighbors, and often a well-dressed man or woman is quite as disgusting as those whose outward garb show their low grade of life,” so have some chill.

However, the book does a strange thing in advising against soap. “Soap is not a good cosmetic for the face and hands,” author Sophia Johnson writes, “but alcohol stimulates the skin and invigorates the glands and muscles of the body.” Alcohol is apparently especially helpful for the elderly–the young need only use water.

As the book goes on it increasingly sounds as if it’s written by that general in Dr. Strangelove who is worried about fluoridated water sapping his fluids:

All places of resort unless well ventilated are filled with the poison of human breaths and the noxious exhalations of the body and no one who understands the science of health can doubt that many lives are shortened by the injurious atmosphere of fashionable assemblies churches and theaters

American Etiquette and Rules of Politeness takes a bold pro-soap stance, and also advocates for the vigorous use of a “flesh-brush.” And looking to remove your freckles? Just wash your face with a mixture of horseradish and buttermilk. There is one grooming tip I’d advise we all remember, and that is that any perfume must be used in “moderation.” “Perfume which may be agreeable to one is perhaps offensive to another,” author Walter Raleigh Houghton reminds. So please, lady on the subway that smells like fermented baby powder, lighten up.

Some Thanksgiving Tips

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Last week, Victoria and I were interviewed for Metro New York about what to do if you’re a college student spending Thanksgiving with a friend’s family. However, a lot of the advice can be applied in many situations, like spending the holidays with your in-laws or your extended family. Here are a few more tips on how to get through it all without going crazy!

  • Offer to help out as much as you can, but make sure you can really do it: Jumping into the kitchen so Aunt Martha doesn’t have to make everything is fantastic, but don’t do it unless you actually know how to make green bean casserole. The only thing more stressful than having to cook five dishes is having to cook four while answering a million questions about the fifth. If that’s the case, see if there are other ways you can help, like running errands, watching the kids, or setting the table.
  • Don’t be a dick about dietary restrictions:  Some people refuse to believe gluten allergies exist. Others think anyone who isn’t a vegan is a murderer. Most of us can and should meet in the middle. My thought is that the host gets a heavy say in what’s served at their house, within reason. For instance, if you’re a guest in a Kosher household, don’t bring your bacon-wrapped scallop appetizer. However, if you’re the host but the only vegetarian, maybe request that most of the dishes remain vegetarian, but let someone bring a turkey. Also, speak up if you have a serious allergy, like if you’re so allergic to peanuts that the presence of them anywhere on the table will make you break out in hives. And if you have a lot of restrictions, bring a dish or two that you know you can eat.
  • Be flexible with traditions: I was slightly horrified the first time I went to a Thanksgiving dinner and everything was served on paper plates, because I’m a horrible snob and you should never invite me anywhere. But then I remembered that shrimp curry is often served alongside turkey at my family’s house. The holiday is about sharing traditions, not judging them.
  • Pick your battles: We got into this a little in Metro about balancing changing the subject gracefully with calling out someone’s racist uncle. Sometimes it’s not worth the effort to call someone out, and sometimes you can’t just let it slide. Everyone has their own personal thresholds.
  • Have an exit strategy: Most of us have probably felt stressed out at at least one Thanksgiving (or other holiday). It can be a perfect storm of stress, family tensions and loud little kids. Have a plan if you’re prone to getting overwhelmed by these things, like taking a walk or running an errand. Last year I got so overwhelmed at one holiday I excused myself to the bathroom and instead lay down in the guest room for ten minutes. No one will miss you for that period of time.
  • Don’t forget to use your good table manners: The basics- put your napkin on your lap, chew with your mouth closed, elbows off the table, and say please and thank you.