Author Archives: Jaya Saxena

How To Propose A Toast

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Me as a bridesmaid drinking to my friend's health. [Jennifer May Photography]

Me as a bridesmaid drinking to my friend’s health. [Jennifer May Photography]

I LOVE proposing toasts. I do it at pretty much every meal I don’t eat alone, whether it’s a simple “cheers” with whatever glasses we have, or saying thanks to the hosts for having us together. According to my research, that latter move is in no way correct, but whatever, I’m grateful and I like clinking glasses and making eye contact.

So how do you toast a nice occasion? First, a bit of history. According to Service Etiquette by Oretha D. Swartz, the tradition of toasting goes back to “ancient times, when a piece of toast was placed in a goblet with the mead, or any alcoholic brew. When it became saturated, the toast sank to the bottom goblet, and after someone challenged ‘Toast!’ it was necessary to drain the goblet in order to get the toast.” Is this real? This sounds apocryphal, but The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette has a similar story. I’ll take it.

Swartz continues with some modern (it was written in 1988 but not much has changed) toasting etiquette tips. Nowadays it is not necessary to drain your glass; take a sip or two so that more of your beverage is available for future toasts. At formal occasions toasts may be made with champagne, but just use whatever drink you have on hand. If you happen to be served wine but don’t drink, Swartz recommends just touching the glass to your lips, since not participating in a toast is incredibly rude. However, I think it’s fine to just use whatever else you may be drinking, and give the wine to someone else.

Amy Vanderbilt notes that the best toasts are short and sweet, so if you are asked to toast a newly-wedded couple, a holiday dinner, or other celebration, simply honoring those who the party is for and saying how thankful you are to have everyone together is nice. A toast does not need to turn into a speech, unless you’ve been requested to prepare one, which is a whole other can of worms we can talk about later (or never because oh boy, public speaking).

Nearly all the etiquette books I’ve found mention that you are not supposed to drink a toast to yourself, lest you come off as self-congratulatory. I personally could not care less, but just be aware that some people might. In the event that someone is toasting to you but you still want to drink, you can respond “Thank you, and here’s to you all,” in which case you’ve flipped to toast onto them and technically are the only person in the room allowed to drink, you sneaky minx.

Now, some toast notes:

  • At a wedding, the first toast is traditionally given by the best man. However, I can’t think of the last wedding I went to that specifically followed this rule. Toasts were given in all sorts of orders by the couple’s parents, bridesmaids, siblings, etc. We may be able to retire this one.
  • Swartz says it’s traditional to toast the bride at a bachelor party, gentlemen.
  • If you feel an imminent toast, be sure to top your glass and the glasses of those around you, as it’s rude to toast with nothing.
  • According to Debrett’s, “port is never drunk before the Loyal Toast,” which is a toast to the head of the state. In this ceremony port is apparently passed to the left, and if you miss the decanter, you have to pass your glass to the left in hopes it catches up because the decanter can never be passed to the right.
  • If you’re going to be traveling abroad, learn the common toasts in those countries.
  • When I studied abroad in Italy I was taught you’re supposed to make eye contact with everyone at the table while toasting otherwise it’s seven years bad sex. It seems that many cultures have a similar superstition, so may as well play it safe.

How To Deal With Americans

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Europe According to Americans [Via]

Europe According to Americans [Via]

Uncommon Courtesy is based in America, and if you couldn’t tell already, most of our etiquette focus has been on the way the Western developed world does things. However, in our ongoing attempt to educate ourselves about the world, we decided to take a look at some “international” etiquette tips for dealing with Americans.

From Etiquette by Vijaya Kumar

American business people are considered very open and friendly. Foreigners however find this friendliness short-lived.

Business people from other cultures are put off by the abruptness of Americans, for whom time is money.

Americans, being friendly, tend to jump onto first-name terms very quickly, which is wrong.

From Passport USA: Your Pocket Guide to American Business, Culture & Etiquette by Dean W. Engel

Some American women have adopted the practice of using both their family name and the name of their husband’s family.

Greetings include saying “Hello” or “Hi,” often followed by “How are you?” This inquiry is purely rhetorical.

Beyond the handshake, American men may sometimes embrace briefly—usually with a good thump on the back. But they’ll shrink from the sorts of embraces common in Latin America or European-style kisses on the cheek. These have homosexual overtones in the U.S., and regardless of a heterosexual male’s attitude toward someone else’s  homosexuality, to be perceived as homosexual is widely considered an insult. [Ed note: UUUUUUUUUGH]

“No” means “no,” whether it’s shouted in the boardroom or whispered at an informal dinner. Reluctance to emphatically state a negative response and the tendency to resort to euphemism (“that would be difficult”)—common approaches in many Asian cultures—are sources of aggravation to Americans, who are more concerned with knowing the intent of others than having their feelings spared.

Americans will sometimes emphasize a strongly held commitment, belief or position by banging on a table or suddenly standing up.

There is no national consensus on what’s funny.

From The Oxford Companion to American Food and Drink by Andrew F. Smith

Dining etiquette became pointless in the pervasive fast food culture, although it was still recommended as a way of projecting success and savoir faire. [Ed note: I wonder what percentage of Americans stopped buying fish knives?]

From Star-Spangled Manners: In Which Miss Manners Defends American Etiquette by Judith Martin

The curiosity of having compassionate people attack a system that mandates and codifies the consideration of others is doubly-odd when the etiquette bashers are American, whose national etiquette refuses to dignify anything resembling class distinctions.

Failing to respect the symbolic power of apparently casual customs is asking for it. Examples of socially dangerous behavior are: not mustering enthusiasm for the local food delicacy, violating your  high school’s sense of propriety about dress, wearing a baseball cap at a baseball game when the National Anthem is playing, and suggesting a disconnection between  a bride’s being handed from her father’s protection to her husband’s in cases where the union has already been blessed with children.

From YUCK! …That Guy Didn’t Wash His Hands!: The Complete Guide to the American Man’s Bathroom Experience, including The Original American Bathroom Thesaurus by Brian J. Baker

Americans have a tacit fascination with bodily functions, none of which garner more of our cultural obsession than the three main acts of expelling human waste: Farting, Peeing, and Pooping.

Farting in anywhere but the toilet cube is seen as a serious bodily miscalculation.

Why the heck would anyone want to bring their opened food or drink in the bathroom?

We hope this has been enlightening. International readers! What have you been taught about dealing with Americans?

How To Be Near Celebrities (Or, Don’t Grab Zac Efron’s Bicep in a Bar)

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DON'T PANIC

DON’T PANIC [Via]

Celebrity is something that sounds very complicated. On one hand, if you make it to the point of being a celebrity, you likely have lots of money. On the other, that comes at a significant cost to your privacy. On a third, you probably already knew that privacy was something you’d have to give up a bit to achieve celebrity. On a fourth, who among us could even conceive of what that sort of lifestyle would feel like until we got there, at which point it’d be too late to back out? It’s tricky, and I do feel a great sympathy for them, even though they can dry their tears on their millions.

This is all to say that New Yorkers are historically fantastic about dealing with celebrities. Not that we don’t have our invasive moments, or gush about “celebrity sightings” when they’re over, but in general the rule is to treat a celebrity like you would any other person on the street/in a restaurant/at the grocery store. Don’t stare, don’t start talking about them, don’t yell “oh my god you’re Lucy Liu!” when they’re walking down the street.

If you’re a huge fan, you may be inclined to ask for an autograph or a photo. This is one of those things that seemingly comes with the territory of being a celebrity, but this is when common sense really needs to go into overdrive. Is the person in question at lunch or generally engaged with something or someone else? Then, like anyone else, they would probably rather not be bothered. If Helen Hunt is casually browsing books at a bookstore perhaps you can go up to her and say you’re a fan, but you should not if you see her in a restaurant eating with her family. Bill Murray always seems game though.

However, there is a catch to the “just treat celebrities like normal people” thing, which is if you are a total weirdo around people it might come off bad around celebrities. Here’s an example: A few years ago my fiance and I were at a fancy, “speakeasy”-style cocktail bar, and both on our third or fourth drinks (which were very strong), when who should walk in and sit down next to us but Zac Efron. He was there with another guy, and was wearing this tight thermal shirt, and I was never attracted to Zac Efron and had never seen High School Musical but holy hell was this man attractive. Just, arms. I was totally star struck, but also determined to keep my cool and not act like he was any different than any other insanely hot person sitting next to me. So I keep chatting with my fiance, when I hear Zac Efron order a drink I had. I whip around and say (let’s be honest, I probably yell) “Oh my god, I LOVE that drink” as I reach over and grab his bicep for friendly emphasis. Like you’d do to maybe any other normal person if you’re feeling flirtatious and casual but should not do to a really famous person! From what I remember, he was very gracious about the whole thing, saying he always gets that drink when he goes to that bar, and asking if we’d ever been before, and us wishing each other good nights as we turned back to our partners.

So, you know, don’t do that.

How To Avoid Rude Small Talk

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Get it?

Get it?

Small talk! It’s weird and often uncomfortable, but we all have to do it otherwise we’d never make friends/would always be that person standing just outside of a conversation. You have to wade through the small talk to get to anything interesting! Or you can be like me this weekend and drunkenly start talking to strangers about their love lives before you get their names, but maybe you shouldn’t do that.

Here’s my theory: I don’t think you should open a conversation with a stranger/acquaintance with the most obvious thing about them. For example, if you meet a pregnant woman, don’t ask her about her pregnancy. Maybe she’ll bring up her pregnancy on her own, and then you can talk about it, but maybe she’ll want to talk about her job and her other interests because she’s sick of being asked about morning sickness. The same thing goes for someone getting married, on a job search, or applying to college. They may want to keep talking about it, but there’s also a good chance they’re completely talked out.

This doesn’t count for everyone. If you’re asking your own teenage son about how high school is going? Duh. Are you a Maid of Honor asking the bride how planning is going? Makes sense. But you have to make sure you’re close, which generally means friends-who-talk-constantly or close family (meaning you have a relationship outside seeing each other three times a year at whole-family gatherings). Below are a couple of suggestions as to questions/comments to avoid, and as always leave yours in the comments!

For an Engaged/Married Person

  • I’m so excited for the wedding!—Did you get an invitation yet/have the couple verbally confirmed you’re invited? If not, don’t assume anything, even if you’re close to them.

  • Are you dieting?—Usually followed by a weird stare if you say “no,” or a push for details if “yes.” Weird either way. Plus it comes off as you thinking the person in question should be dieting.

  • When are you having kids?—This is SUCH a personal question, and can often be painful to the person/couple in question. Maybe they have a medical condition that prevents them from having kids and don’t want to talk about it, or maybe they flat out don’t want kids. It should never be a question of “when.”

  • Unless you know for sure that one person in the couple is really into planning and the other is really not, ask both people the same questions and use plural pronouns. This is especially an issue with heterosexual couples, where everyone has a tendency to ask the bride-to-be about wedding planning and issues, and continues to ask the groom-to-be about his job, his hobbies, or anything else going on in his life.

For a Single Person

  • Any variation on “why are you still single?”—First off, single is not a “still.” Plenty of people are just fine with being single. And even if they’re not, this pretty much just blames them for their relationship status. Often this comes in the “But you’re so pretty/smart/interesting!” iteration, which both suggests that a) these are objective requirements to finding a partner and b) it’s somehow the person in question’s fault for not finding someone attracted to these things. Relationships aren’t science, and they take a heavy dose of luck.

For a Pregnant Person

  • Do you want a boy or a girl?—What is your expected answer here? “Oh man, I just want a boy so bad. If it’s a girl I’ll be so heartbroken. Nine months for nothing.”

  • When are you due?—True story: When I was in New Zealand I went shopping with another woman for sausage. This woman had a two-year-old daughter and still had some “baby weight” or whatever bullshit you want to call it. Anyway, the butcher gave me a slice of one sausage to try but hesitated giving it to her, joking that it was made with wine. She looked at him quizzically, and he gestured to her stomach in a “you know, because you’re pregnant” sort of way. She wasn’t pregnant. Do not assume anyone is pregnant.

For Kids

  • Where are you going to college?/Are you going to college?—This is specific to a certain class that assumes college is in the cards, but for the entirety of high school any adult talking to me only wanted to talk about SATs and college applications.

For Anyone

  • You look great! Have you lost weight?—Unless this person maybe lost 400 pounds and is super proud of it, no. Skinny does not necessarily equal healthy or beautiful.

  • You look tired today—I get this so much when I don’t wear makeup. It’s my normal face. My normal face looks bad to you? Ok.

The Etiquette of Having/Seeing a Dog

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LOOKIT HIM

LOOKIT HIM

“It wouldn’t be fair” was the constant refrain about dogs I heard when I was a kid. I grew up in an apartment, with cats, and the prospect of getting a dog just seemed insane. With cats, you can fill up a bowl of food and pretty much let them take care of themselves. With dogs you have to walk them, groom them, train them, come home every day right from work to make sure they’re ok instead of going out with friends, etc. They’re work!

Ahh but what work to have a dog, where his widdle face would jump up and lick yours at the end of the day and the widdle tail wagging and oh my god, I want a dog. I can’t have a dog, because I have two cats and a busy social life and no yard for anyone to run around in and that is just fine. But, like with children, I do live in a world with many dogs and notice some things that both dog owners and dog admirers can do to make the world a better place.

When the dog is yours

  • Think about where you live– My upstairs neighbors (in Queens) had a dog for a little bit. It was a part-beagle mutt that they got from a shelter, and though he was the most adorable thing, eventually they had to give him back. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with beagles, but they are NOT CITY DOGS. They are hounds! All they want to do is howl and hunt and run, which is very difficult to provide if you live in a 1,000 sq./ft. apartment and have a full time job.  In that same vein, think about your neighbors. If you live in close quarters they will most likely be hearing your dog yelp at 3am just as much as you are.
  • For fuck’s sake clean up after your dog– This should not need to be said but oh my god does it need to be said. Cleaning up after your dog means bringing enough bags to pick up its poop, picking up its poop, and throwing away its poop. And maybe if it’s a super messy poop bringing a bottle of water to rinse off the sidewalk. No saying you forgot bags. No putting the poop in the bag and then leaving it next to a tree (happens all the time in my neighborhood). No walking away and pretending it’s not there. If you cannot do this you should not own a dog. Period. (Obviously this is for city/suburban living. If you have a farm where you dog just runs around and does its thing, awesome, you need not worry.)
  • Some minor training is nice– There are many people in this world who are afraid of dogs and will be very uncomfortable if your dog jumps on or barks at them, no matter now much you know Fifi just wants to play. This can be more difficult depending on the dog you have (I assume young dogs are easier to train than older/abused dogs), but make an effort to make sure your dog knows how to sit. This also means knowing your dog and its limitations. Does your dog have an aggressive history? Don’t let it off the leash unless you’re 100% positive it can’t attack.
  • Not everyone is going to love your dog- As I said before, some people are afraid of dogs, or perhaps they’re allergic to dogs or just don’t like dogs. This is not a judgment on you for owning a dog, but perhaps they are not going to want to come over if they know you have a dog around. Offer alternatives for get-togethers, or train your dog to be ok for a few hours in the bedroom with the door closed.

When the dog is not yours

  • Do not pet dogs without the owner’s permission– Unless you’re sitting in a park and an unleashed dog runs up to you and jumps on you, you should always ask before petting a dog. There are a few reasons for this. One is that it’s just rude to start talking to a dog when the person in charge of it is right there. The second is that the dog may have some personal issues. Many rescued dogs have anxiety or aggression problems, and their owners may be trying to socialize them gradually. The Yellow Dog Project attempts to get owners with dogs like this to tie yellow ribbons to their dogs’ leashes, so if you see a yellow bow on a leash, definitely do not touch the dog.
  • Get to know the dogs in your neighborhood– Our friend David Shiffman mentions that his neighbors always say “good boy” when his dog, Magnolia, is wearing a pink bow and collar and is clearly a girl. We’ll save my very valid argument about GENDER NORMS for another day, but if someone has told you their dog’s name and gender, try to remember it.
  • Never pet a service dog– Service dogs are not so much pets as employed companions. Teeny weeny adorable companions in itsy vests, sure, but they are on the job! You would not pet a nurse pushing someone in a wheelchair, would you? No. Then don’t pet a service dog.

And always remember…