Monthly Archives: May 2014

Should We Even Bother With Social Media Etiquette?

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What Would Tom Do?

What Would Tom Do?

I keep thinking that there needs to be a guide to social media etiquette, because there are some people that are just insufferable, but I can hear the backlash now: “If someone’s annoying just stop following them!” “You can block people you know.” “I found a complicated way to mute everything someone says but still make it look like you’re listening.” Yes, we all know that social media is pretty optional and if you don’t like looking at a hundred photos of your elementary school best friend’s new baby you can just unfriend her. But social media has also wedged its way into our lives to a point that I felt actively left out of my chosen career by not being on Twitter. Since many of us feel strong societal pulls to engage in social media, let’s see if there are ways to make it a slightly nicer place.

  • Try not to post all the time– Of course one of the main reasons everyone is on Facebook or Twitter is so we can share articles, photos, and thoughts with each other, but you never want to clog someone else’s feed. This happens on Twitter a lot, especially when someone not only posts a lot, but retweets every single response they get.
  • Don’t get into arguments on Twitter – This sort of goes for Facebook, but at least there you don’t have character limits, and can let your arguments be as wordy and thought out as you want. I have never seen an argument on Twitter turn out well for either party, no matter how intelligent the argument, because there is just no way to achieve any nuance in 140 characters. You’re going to come off sounding like you don’t know what you’re talking about, even if you do, so just avoid it. No one ever thinks “wow, he’s super smart, but I wish he would argue more on Twitter.”
  • Don’t be a mommyjacker– This doesn’t just go for moms! We all know that person who turns every post into something about their baby, but people do this for all sorts of topics and it’s frustrating as hell. Try not to comment on photos or statuses with something completely unrelated to the topic, or to make it all about you.
  • Ask permission before tagging photos of people/quoting people– I know you desperately want to post that photo of you and your little brother in the bathtub together for Throwback Thursday, but not everybody wants everything they do online. I’ve been really frustrated when people post something on Twitter that I’ve said to them in private, or posted tons of unflattering photos from a drunken night out. And yes, you can always untag yourself, but the photo is still there. So maybe send your friend a quick text asking them if it’s okay, or don’t get mad if you post something and they ask you to remove it. This goes double for posting photos of babies and children, since they can’t really tell you they don’t want their photo broadcast to the world.
  • Don’t be on your phone/computer/tablet all the time– This expands a bit to general social etiquette, but the number of times I’ve been out to dinner and something funny happened in the conversation and someone whips out their phone and says “omg I’m tweeting that” is entirely too many. This is not the fault of social media or millenials or anything–my grandfather was the type to constantly make us re-enact candid moments so he could take photographs, instead of just living in the moment. But if you’re with other people, try to stay engaged with them, instead of turning to your phone or tablet or camera.

What happens on social media that frustrates you? Tell us!

Can I Politely Elope?

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vegaswedding

Actual dream wedding

Dear Uncommon Courtesy,

With all the marriage etiquette posts lately, I’m wondering if you would mind doing one on “how to elope without alienating all of your friends and family”. We’ve been discussing eloping for several reasons. The two biggest reasons are 1) money, and 2) this is a partnership between the two of us, and doesn’t really need outside validation. Neither of us have ever really been fans of the idea of marriage, until we found each other, and don’t really care about all of the ceremony and traditional trappings.

Would an elopement with following reception/party do? I don’t want to break my mother’s heart, but I also don’t want to do a song and dance for a crowd. Neither of us is traditional, but do have loving families. Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Runaway Bride

OFFICIAL ETIQUETTE:
Miss Manners errs on the side of not upsetting people- one letter writer wrote in that her mother would be devastated if she eloped and Miss Manners kind of calls the bride selfish. In another column Miss Manners discourages elopement because, according to her, people are more likely to regret it, as ceremony is actually fairly important to humans. She does consider post-elopement receptions to be appropriate, but declares you must skip showers and bachelor/ette parties (which makes sense, because if the point of elopement is avoiding all the fuss, it’s sorta weird to come back and insist on the fuss). Emily Post Institute says that you want to be careful of hurting the feelings of your parents/grandparents etc before you elope. Parties afterwards are a great compromise, but as the attendees were not invited to your actual wedding, you should not register for gifts.

Amy Vanderbilt says, “Often after an elopement, the bride’s parents give a party to celebrate the marriage. It can be as simple or elaborate as they and the couple want it to be. It’s up to them whether to have a receiving line or wedding cake.”

OUR TAKE:

Jaya: So at least it sounds like she’s not eloping because she hates her family. Though in some ways that makes this harder. You can’t just be like, “fuck you dad I’m doing what I want!”

Victoria: Yeah! It seems like she doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but from what I’ve read, most parents do seem to be hurt when their kids elope. I think if she were up for it, a very small ceremony including the parents might be a nice, cheap compromise. But of course, she doesn’t have to.

Jaya: Or I think if she’s worried about breaking it to the parents, explain it exactly like she did to us! That, while they love their families, they don’t want to spend the money and don’t want the ceremony, etc. That seems pretty easy to understand, but yes, prepare for pleading.

Victoria: If you are just getting up in front of a county clerk, it seems like it wouldn’t hurt for your parents to tag along. But I get that not everyone feels that way.

Jaya: True, you do need witnesses!

Victoria: If you are going to do it, a party afterwards is still totally fine! Though, as you’ve mentioned through your wedding planning, the reception really takes up most of the money/stress. But if you plan a simple dinner yourself, you can be more in control.

Jaya: This is where I think you can use it as compromise with the family too. Say you’re going to elope, but they can maybe have a bigger hand in planning the party. I mean, depends on the family. If your family is the type to rent a ballroom for 500 people maybe not.

Victoria: Yeah, and she says that she wants to avoid the song and dance for a crowd. I mean, you could even do a thing at city hall with immediate family with dinner at a restaurant following, and then you are DONE, no crowds.

Jaya: Yes! I have a friend who got married on the Staten Island ferry and then had dinner at a restaurant after.

Victoria: It’s interesting too- trying to determine if people are really interested in eloping and avoiding all the fuss,or if they want to pre-marry and then have a huge wedding after (not this writer, but in general).

Jaya: Definitely. It sounds like two things here. She wants to avoid the hoopla (which I totally get) but also takes a more philosophical stance that “outside validation” is not something they value (also totally understandable).

Victoria: Yes. So for her, to answer her question: yes you can elope and follow up with a party (this is actually super traditional!) and if you just want to avoid the fuss and still make your parents happy, just invite them along to your tiny ceremony at City Hall or wherever. Let’s talk about the rest of it, all the extra parties and gifts and stuff!

Jaya:  So, if your reasoning is avoiding fuss, it’s sorta strange to say that and then want registries/showers/etc.

Victoria: Super weird. After all, you can’t invite people to the shower who aren’t invited to the wedding, so if you aren’t inviting people to the wedding… Although, with registries and gifts and stuff, even though people don’t have to give them to you, there’s probably a good chance they will still want to? So maybe make a small registry or have some ideas if someone asks?

Jaya: It sounds like their community supports their relationship, so maybe would want to give gifts even if there isn’t a huge wedding.

Victoria: Yes

Jaya: This question I think gets to the heart of a lot of battles within wedding etiquette, which is essentially, who is the wedding for? On that post we were quoted on at Yahoo!, all the comments immediately went from “how selfish are these women” (true) to “weddings aren’t about you, they’re about your family and your community” (questionable).

Victoria: I saw something one place where it was a mom saying that she had put all these years in raising her daughter and then wasn’t allowed to see her get married. Which, I guess is someones right, to decide to get married alone, but think how hurt you would be if your mom decided she didn’t want to attend your wedding. It goes both ways.

Jaya: Definitely. it hits this strange center, where the marriage is about the couple and the wedding is about community, but the marriage is at the center of the wedding. Anyway, I’m all for the couple doing what they want for themselves. No one has a right to force you into a ceremony, especially when it really is about the couple, not the community. However, they may have hurt feelings, so just be aware and be nice.

Victoria: You can’t do things in a vacuum either. If your mom cares that much and is hurt that much by your decision, you might have irreparably hurt your relationship with her.

Jaya: Exactly. Hopefully that’s not the case, but you have to balance what you each want with how much you each want it. I think a nice, sit down convo with the immediate family is needed. Remind them you love them, and that this isn’t a rejection of them, but that this is the way you want to honor the relationship you’ve made. And that you want to throw a party after BECAUSE you want to include people.

Victoria: Part of being an adult and making these adult decisions is being aware of how your actions affect others and might affect your future.

Jaya: Oh wait also, part of what she asked about is that they were eloping for money reasons, which I also think is fair. Thoughts on that?

Victoria: Yeah, totally fair! But that’s even less reason to not let a few people tag along if it makes them (and the couple!) happy.

Jaya: True! You’re not paying anyone to follow you to city hall for an afternoon if they want. So maybe keep those arguments separate. Because sometimes enthusiastic families will counter “we don’t want to waste money” with “we will pay for it!” and then you have to backtrack and explain that it’s not really the money, it’s the principle.

Victoria: I would advise to just really think through all your reasons and all your options, because a big wedding with a poofy dress and going to the courthouse by yourselves at lunch are not the only options. Not to say that people don’t know their own minds and they haven’t already thought it through, but a lot of these do-over weddings I see are people who were like, “oh let’s elope and avoid all the fuss.” And then immediately regret it, and then it becomes a whole other etiquette issue for another day.

Thank Goodness We Don’t Have To Do That Anymore: Tiara Etiquette

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Princess Margaret (the Queen’s sister) wore her tiara in the bath.

The good news is that none of this tiara etiquette really exists anymore (except for people who go to state banquets and the like), so feel free to wear tiaras whenever you want.

  • Unmarried women shouldn’t wear them- this is why they are often worn on a wedding day.
  • Being able to wear a tiara isn’t dictated by your social rank but rather by the occasion (um, and actually being able to afford one or pull strings to borrow one.)
  • Tiaras are worn for white tie, occasionally black tie, and state events. This means only very, very fancy times.
  • Tiaras are eveningwear. The QUEEN OF ENGLAND did not wear a tiara to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s morning wedding, so neither should you.
  • Often for “tiara events” the invitation will state “tiaras will be worn”
  • Tiaras shouldn’t be worn in hotels or public ballrooms. Only if your friends are fancy enough to have their own ballrooms. But you can wear them to dinner in a private home if the dress code is white tie- go figure.
  • Tiaras should be worn so that the jewels are parallel to the ground or at a slight angle to the ears, never as a “headband”.
  • Not etiquette but a fun fact: many royal and other famous tiaras easily break apart into sets of necklaces, earrings, and brooches so the pieces can be worn more frequently. Who knew royals were so thrifty?

Coronets are a different matter and ARE linked to rank and can only be worn by people of that rank. Peers wear a coronet (a silver gilt circlet) along with along with ceremonial robes at the coronation of the Monarch only.